God has a plan

“God has a plan.” It’s one of the biggest cliches of the Christian culture; it’s one of the most misused phrases that we say. Yes, God ALWAYS has a plan. I’ve talked about some of my pain. I’m going to address the two big areas in my life that has brought the most excitement and the most pain: relationships and being in a wheelchair. What is God’s plan for me in both areas?

Doing relationships has been extra hard and extra fun in my life. It hurts so bad when I can’t romantically pursue a girl that I really like. It hurts that I can’t go to my best friends house when they’re having a really bad day. It hurts that I can’t take care of my parents in some of the same ways that they take care of me. I so often feel like I can’t be a good friend, and I get pretty frustrated sometimes. It is the biggest pain and fear I have. But don’t we all have pain and fear that tries to inhibit our destiny? I will not compromise Father’s plan. His plan for my life is for me to walk, and to have complete freedom in my relationships. Am I experiencing that? No. “Oh, well, God’s plan is for me to suffer through relationships, and He’s really teaching me about unconditional love.” Unfortunately, that’s the thought process of so many people. He will use any situation and circumstance to teach us, but that doesn’t mean it was His plan. I’ve so often felt powerless in my friendships, and my heart aches so often because of it. I feel pathetic a lot. What can I actually offer this person? But I will no longer bow to my circumstances; they will bow to the King of Heaven. I’m in the process of discovering freedom in the midst of all the messiness. It has been really exciting. I’m not waiting to walk. I truly desire to love well. I want to be an outrageous lover. What does that look like? I’m still learning, but I get to celebrate the uniqueness of my situation and how that relates to my relationships. I’m so thankful for the great friends that I have, and I’m thankful for their willingness to do life with me. Relationships are so awesome; I’m extremely passionate about them. I’ve made a lot of messes in a lot of my relationships, and I’ve been able to clean them up because of their grace. I want to have relationships that are full of love, freedom, and trust. I don’t think my friendships should look very different when I do walk. Steve Nelson took care of me a lot; all of my daily physical and medical needs. He was one of my very best friends. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and cried, we were vulnerable and intimate, and we pursued Jesus together. But we were also inconvenienced. We both had to push through and say yes. How would that look if I was walking? I would take care of my physical needs, but everything else would be the same. There would be some other form of inconvenience and we would still push through. Does this make sense? A life giving friendship between two physically healthy people is still going to cost them something. Trust, vulnerability, and freedom is worth the price though. So whether it’s my disability or the everyday life of a healthy person, it’s our choice if we want to step through the inconvenience. “Steve, I love you. I feel loved when we hang out and just share our hearts; I need quality time. I feel scared and hurt if we don’t connect on a regular basis. I love being goofy with you. I really love hugs and kisses. How can I love you well?” It’s going to cost us to be vulnerable and show our hearts. But it’s also going to cost us if we choose to meet the desires and needs of our friends. It’s Father’s plan for me to do relationships perfectly healthy, and I’ll be so excited when that happens. But until then, I’m going to celebrate my unique friendships and say yes now.    

“It must be God’s will and plan for me to have SMA because I was born with it.” I believe that’s a lie. Jesus has already healed me, but I’m not walking yet. There are times where it feels hopeless and so far away. I’ve been believing for a miracle for almost ten years, and I’ve unintentionally put God on trial. Please understand me: Jesus is more passionate about me walking than I am. I want to be very careful about how to say this. He’s even more interested and passionate in the connection we have. I used to think I’ll heal others when I walk, I’ll have healthy relationships when I walk, or I’ll really make an impact when I walk. Everything was after I walk, but no more. Jesus wants to transform our entire lives. He wants us to live in perfect union with Him, be completely healthy, have relationships full of freedom, be wealthy, and to have a prosperous soul. He values our connection and relationship over everything. I’ve for so long valued my miracle over our intimacy. It’s hard to be discouraged when I’m living with His relentless love and affection bombarding my entire being. It’s hard to be discouraged when I recognize the freedom He’s bringing to my relationships and soul; in fact, I get silly happy. He’s so marvelous and fun. I can see in my body that it’s improving in some small and some not so small ways. He is continuously restoring my body, just maybe not in the ways and speed that I always want. This is not a formula. There is going to be a person with SMA with a bad attitude, not the healthiest relationships, and they might not even know Jesus. But God will heal their body so they can walk before all the other stuff. His ultimate “plan” is to be in relationship with us and to completely transform our lives. One of the deepest cries of my heart is to walk. In the midst of that pursuit (we should pursue the miraculous) it’s easy to get our eyes and heart locked in on that one breakthrough. But I’m repenting because it’s so easy to miss what God is doing when our eyes and heart aren’t set on Him and His presence. “Jesus I release life and healing on my lungs. NEW LUNGS!” The next day my lungs might not be new, but oh look, a breakthrough has happened in my soul, or I experienced His love in a new way, or I’ve made a strong connection with a friend. For so long I didn’t realize those are one in the same as my new lungs. God is after every part of us. That’s radical and exciting! The new lungs have already been given to me by the victory of Jesus; I will continue to declare them to manifest, but I will no longer be offended when I get a large check or find love in new ways instead of new lungs. I will celebrate His ways and be focused on what He’s doing; not on what I think should happen right now. Father gave me the desires of my heart. I desire to be in relationship with God, to love well, get married, walk through life with my family and best friends, change the world, be wealthy, and to go on great adventures. He values all of that even more than I do.

I want to make something very clear. We must not compromise any part of Father’s plan. If our body isn’t being healed, but we reconcile with our long lost family member instead, then we celebrate that. But we never make the agreement that God doesn’t want to heal us or that it’s not His will. If we look to and value what God is doing, it will often bring breakthrough to the thing we’ve been crying out for. We never make the agreement that we have to suffer through poverty to learn thankfulness. That’s a lie. We might face some poverty, and in the midst of that we will be thankful and declare His faithfulness and provision. Any body part and any amount of money is already ours. Does it always manifest right when we want it? No, not yet. But that doesn’t change the fact that He is JEHOVAH-RAPHA and the richest Daddy in the universe! I’m learning to live in trust, and it’s so fulfilling and fun! My current circumstances do not change who He is. I am learning to live as though I’m already transformed. I’m in the process and it’s really exciting. But I must live as though there is no lack. I want to live, worship, risk, and love as though I’m already walking. It’s sometimes very difficult, but I’m learning. My relationship with Holy Spirit is a very fun adventure; it’s full of bliss, love, pleasure, affection, joy, vulnerability, tears, laughter, trust, intimacy, and freedom. God wants to transform our lives more than we want them to be transformed, but His presence reigns over everything else. Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit: WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT TO KNOW YOU!