just a little story

I want to start this with a quick and simple story. It’s a story that has had a dramatic impact on my entire life. I think it’s important to pay attention to the seemingly quiet and little moments in our life. Sometimes these little moments will reverberate throughout our lives and the lives around us.

I was eleven months old when I was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 1. My parents had been noticing that I wasn’t standing or doing other things that healthy babies my age were doing. The pediatrician sent us to a specialist, and they did a muscle biopsy and confirmed their suspicions. Dr. Silverstein told my parents that I had Werdnig Hoffman Disease (another name for SMA). She told my parents I wouldn’t live to be two years old. My Mom was holding me closely, and she told me she zoned everything out and prayed to God. She asked Him not to take me from her, and that she would raise me in His church and she would raise me to know Him. My parents were understandably heartbroken, but they never stopped loving me and they never stopped fighting for me. I believe it started with the prayer that my Mom prayed.

I really do owe everything to my parents. My Mom kept her word, and she and my Dad raised me to know and love Jesus. They have literally given up everything so that I can live a healthy and happy life. All of my life flows from Jesus, and then it all flows from my parents. All of my relationships, independence, and health are possible because of them. I’m a lover of Jesus. I love to love. I have great friends. They laid the foundation for my life, and what a foundation it was! They continually sacrifice everything for me. I am so blessed. My parents and brother Michael, along with the rest of my extended family, have truly given me everything. It is a great desire of my heart to see my parents have the marriage that they were destined to have. Please don’t misunderstand me, they are very blessed. I know they would do everything over again for me if they had to. They’ve had a better marriage than some people with perfectly healthy children. But I want nothing less than their full inheritance and destiny. They are a son and daughter of the King! I want them to not have to wake up and roll me over five times a night. I want them to live on their own. I want them to be able to go on any vacation without having to worry about who will take care of me. I want them to be financially blessed in an extreme way. I want them to not have to care for my lungs everyday. I want them to have two perfectly healthy sons. I want them to know the intoxicating and ecstatic love of Jesus in ways they’ve never dreamed of before! I want them to have a marriage. They’re truly in love, and I want them to know what that’s like without my SMA. I’m so thankful they’ve risen above our circumstances and have fought for each other. I will join this adventure with them and honor them for all of my days. I will love them forever. I believe our circumstances will bow to Jesus! They will have the marriage they were destined to have!

Jesus I’m so thankful for what you’re doing! Wreck my parents with your outrageous love! We say yes to your yes! On earth as in Heaven.  

live like you're healed

For a year now I feel like God has been telling me to “live like you’re healed.” I have since had the revelation that I actually AM healed! I’m just not experiencing it in my earthly body yet, but I believe I will! In 2005 I heard God say He was going to “heal” my heart first, that my heart will be so free and alive - my body will have to obey and be free and alive! My body will have no choice but to respond to the freedom that reigns in my soul! Our spirit, soul, and body are all deeply connected, and Father is deeply passionate about every aspect of us! Jesus has already restored our entire being! I’m in the process of discovering how free and “healed” my heart/soul actually is at this moment! I’m on a very fun adventure of finding His victory that is already within me.

So how do I “live like I’m healed?” That’s a great question. I haven’t figured all of it out. Obviously, I can’t walk, drive, eat, romantically pursue a girl, breathe, and many other things that I will do when it actually physically manifests! So what does that mean for right now? I’m slowly learning, but I think it means to live my life as a son of God, and to be the powerful person that I am. That begins with my relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I am learning to have a friendship with them, and learning how to trust and be trusted. I’m learning to worship and love as though I’m already walking. I still talk with Jesus about not walking and the pain that comes from that, but I’m learning to just live life with the mindset that I’m completely restored and free. I hang out with God and enjoy the ecstasy of His presence, I lift Him up with my worship and praise, and I’m just intentionally real about my heart. I get to live in perfect rest and peace, even in the midst of the heartache and pain. I’m not living in denial - I’m very aware of my current condition. I just want to be more aware of the reality Jesus has for me. The hard part about living like I’m healed is having relationships with friends. It has been the greatest source of pain throughout my whole life. If I was walking I would go places to meet people, I would actually go hang out with my friends wherever they’re at, and I would be able to do a lot more for them. I’ll be so happy when that day comes, but it’s not here yet. I want to thank my friends Jordan Stroman and Alex Cook, who both directly and indirectly have helped me gain experience, understanding, and freedom. Danny Silk has been monumental in helping me see how powerful I am, and how to manage my relationships. I will manage my heart and relationships because I’m powerful and free! Right now I have a need for my friends to come to me and probably help me. I think it hurts me so bad because my number one love language is quality time, and I hate that my wheelchair prevents it so often. Sometimes I believe that walking will increase the amount of quality time in my life, and I think it definitely will. But if not my wheelchair, then something will probably come up to try and get in the way. Therefore, I need to rise above the circumstance of my wheelchair and manage my heart. I need to communicate my needs and show my heart to my friends. I also have a hard time believing I can actually meet the needs of the people that I love. I have a great desire to be a great friend and an outrageous lover. I think I do love well and I do have the ability to be a good friend. I’m free and powerful, and I think that’s the whole point of living like I’m healed. I need to manage my heart, relationships, time, finances, and love as the powerful person that I am right now. I’m already so free that my life won’t look much different from now to when I’m actually walking in the physical realm.

A big part of living like I’m healed and being a powerful person will involve this blog. Over and over again I’ve been told by family and friends that I need to write a book, and I believe God has even given me AN EMPTY WHEELCHAIR as the title. I believe the wheelchair needs to be empty to publish the book, but I can definitely start now on my blog. I’ll be honest, for a long time I have been afraid to do this. I don’t want to be the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I felt like if I started this project I would be feeding into that false identity. I’ve repented of my fear, and I’m going to start writing and chronicling my life. I’m healed and I don’t have to fear being the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I’ll be sharing my life here because I’m a son of God, and I am powerful and free. People will become more alive because of the love and passion that I have. I’m living like I’m healed, and you’ll see me walk. Get ready world!

Jesus we love you so much! Thank you for what you’ve done for us. We rest in the ecstasy of your presence, in the extreme affection and pleasure you have for all of us! We say yes to your yes. We will live in the victory you have accomplished. IT IS FINISHED! We lift you up with all of our praise and worship. Give us the revelation of how powerful and free we already are! You’re so good.