Part Of Your World

If you spend any amount of time with me you will discover that I love Disney. I especially like the animated classics. I think they are powerful movies, at least to me. "The Little Mermaid" is one of my favorites. The part of the movie I want to talk about is when Ariel sings "Part of Your World." Whether the song writer knew it or not, the message of this song is right out of the Bible. Every time I hear it I get tears in my eyes.

She starts out the song with how thankful she is for her home and all the things she has. But she quickly moves into how she wants more, she isn't satisfied. She wants to dance and walk on her feet! When I hear that I feel warmth in my soul. I want to dance and walk on my feet! Banning Liebscher, a pastor at Bethel, taught me that I must always stay thankful, and at the same time never be satisfied with what I have. The two go hand in hand. In God there is always more. He values thankfulness, and wants us to stay grounded in that. But He never sets limits for us, we set our own limits. One thing I want is for Ann Arbor to be a "wheelchair free zone." I want people to come from around the world to Ann Arbor, and the second people come into the city limits they get out of the chair, not needing any prayer. I absolutely believe that kind of glory and presence is possible. But it takes thankfulness and desperation. I always ask God for more, asking that He will take me to places in my soul where I never become satisfied. God wants to give us cities and nations, but do we want them? I don't always. There are days when I just feel blah. I have another dream where I run a hotel, where miracles happen daily. After I got so sick last year I didn't know what to do. My dreams seemed farther away than ever. I decided that instead of having that mindset, I started going back to school. I want to go back to school to get a degree in business as a practical step. It would force me to think ahead and not allow my circumstances to define me. It helps me remember I'm alive for big and mighty things. How sad would it be if people became satisfied? God doesn't need us to act, but He wants us and chose us. He chose to work through us.

Lord please grant us grace to always be thankful, and to always want more.

Now I Know

Last October my life changed drastically. I went to the hospital with pneumonia because I could barely take a full breathe. For the first twenty-two years of my life I slept on a machine called a Bi-Pap, and thank God I only had to wear it at night. During the day I was pretty much a normal kid who liked to hang out with friends and chase girls. I was blessed with a lot of strength that most people who have Spinal Muscular Atrophy do not have. I could eat and feed myself, I wrote most of my school work, and I stayed out of the hospital from ten to twenty-one. I got most of my strength from my faith in Jesus and by the people who I surrounded myself with. My parents and family and friends were vital to my health and strength. I went on with life never thinking about being in a wheelchair or having a disease. By the support of my parents I lived, and I'm still living, a great life. I did not think about how I would go to college or get married and have a family, I just knew I would. You could say that I was naïve, had blind faith, foolish, and was in denial. But I say I had a heart after God and had His favor. I didn't even know it.

After graduating high school my body became increasingly weak. It was harder for me to eat and I started losing a dramatic amount of weight. And my lungs started getting weaker. I really became scared. For the first time in my life I had come to terms that this disease might kill me. I began thinking that I would never get married. I started asking God why He made me this way, and if He did not then why allow it. But then God surrounded me with people who showed me what He is like. Everyone in Young Life knew God, they loved Him and loved each other. They shared that love with me. I felt courage and hope and joy again. After about a year of being in fellowship with them I had deeper relationships and a deeper life with Jesus than ever before. I began to know God and not just know about Him. Through time He taught me that He is always good. He taught me that He is madly in love with me. And more than anyone else He wants me to walk and be healed! It was never His will for anyone to have any disease. Jesus paid the price to set me free. From that point on I have unashamedly pursued and chased God and that dream.

October 2008 I hit a major road block. I had an emergency surgery where they had to put a trach in my neck to save my life. They hooked me up to a vent and hoped for the best. My parents and family prayed and waited, not knowing if I would make it out alive. I honestly don't remember about a four day span because I was so sick and on so many drugs. I eventually woke up scared, angry, and lifeless. I couldn't talk or move. I didn't even remember why I was there. I eventually learned to talk, but with in days I had to have another surgery because I aspirated most of what I swallowed. They put in a feeding tube so I could eat right. That was expected because they told me that for years. But the final blow came about a week later. They came and said that its possible that infection from my teeth could have drained down into my lungs and they want me to have surgery to pull out my teeth. It was devastating. I understand my teeth were in bad shape but I did not want them to do it. I was already connected to a machine full time and I just wanted some dignity. But the teeth came out. Every single one. It was a hard time, I was in so much pain physically and emotionally. Three surgeries in a row is tough. It was a few days until I could talk. I tried praying and worshiping but my heart felt so tired and hard. Everyday since I was nine-teen I wake up every morning and sing my mom a short song. I made it up myself, it goes “my beautiful, beautiful, Mommy.” I sing that to a tune from “Mr. Holland's Opus.” I do it so everyday my Mom knows how beautiful and special she is. I sang it in the hospital very weakly and she just held me and cried. It was then I knew I would be okay. Her compassion broke through my pain replacing it with love and hope. It was the perfect representation of my Father, my God. God was there the whole time crying. He was hurt more than I was by what happened to me. He kept me alive through His compassion. He came near.

I'm here a year later and I'm still on a vent full time. I have no teeth and eat through my gtube. People ask me, “Don't you love your vent and being fully ventilated?” I just say its fine. The truth is I am thankful for it, thankful that I'm alive. I'm thankful for my gtube too. But I don't like it. Maybe they ask that to show me a positive. But I look to Jesus for that, I look at the empty tomb. Until I get off my vent and out of my chair I'm living below my birth right as His son. I will not settle for less. God wants me to walk today, not tomorrow, not in a year, and not to wait until Heaven. God is so good. I knew I was getting married but didn't know how. Now I know.