come wake me from my sleep

“Spirit of the Living God

Come fall afresh on me

Come wake me from my sleep”

I love the line “come wake me from my sleep.” It’s such a powerful song, and a powerful line. Aren’t we all sleeping? It’s easy for me to keep my eyes on my circumstances. I’ve had blood in my secretions on and off for over two years, and sometimes it really scares me. The doctors can only guess on why it’s happening. It’s been something that has played with my mind. I’ve recently repented of my fear, and I’ve been commanding it to go. I’ve felt Jesus telling me to laugh at it. I’ve been “sleeping” by keeping my eyes on the problem. How vast and expansive is Father’s kingdom, glory, joy, freedom, pleasure, goodness, and love? There is no end, and there is no limit. How small is Spinal Muscular Atrophy, cancer, depression, deafness, blindness, fear, self pity, worry, poverty, and death? There is no match. I want to stop sleeping.

How do we stop sleeping? I obviously don’t have it all figured out. I don’t know how to walk this out. I think we start to wake up by having intimacy and trust in our relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. It’s all about intimacy and trust, and every part of our life should flow from it. His love is perfect. Love, freedom, and power flows from intimacy and trust with the Trinity. Our love for people grows and we become powerful enough to protect our connections. We receive the revelation that we’ve literally been born again, and we’ve been set free from everything. We are supernatural beings. Cancer must go. My wheelchair must be empty. I’ve had very close friends and family die from cancer and SMA. That’s not okay with me. I believe that’s part of waking up, but until then I’m going to wake up in every way that God is awakening. I will live in His ecstasy and joy. I will love outrageously. I will love with courage and passion. I will heal the sick. I will see depression bow to Jesus. I will have freedom in my relationships, and I will protect the connections I have. I will live with extreme generosity. I will live awake.

Jesus, wake us up. Help us to grow in trust and intimacy. You’re always good, and we love you! Thank you.    

community

I’m in Florida. I really love it a lot. God is so good and so faithful. I’m so thankful for what He’s doing. I love the weather here, and I live ten minutes from the beach and 1 hour and 35 minutes to Walt Disney World. In my opinion, that’s pretty awesome. I’ve found an incredible church that I’m so thankful and honored to call my home. It’s called Victory SRQ. I love it here.

Living in community is so important. I’m really thankful that community allows for a place to build intimacy, trust, freedom and love. I lived in community while leading Young Life from 2004-2008. It was awesome. I made (almost) every best friend that I have today in Young Life. I’ve talked on here before about the pain I have from relationships, and almost all of it comes from being in a wheelchair. It’s been a tough thing in my life, but I’ve grown so much. I am so thankful. I’m learning to really communicate my heart. I think one of the hardest parts about living in community and being in a wheelchair is not being with people as much as some might be used to. Friendships form from the all night talk, they form from the time that you ran out of gas together, they form from having a crazy dance party, and they form from doing life together. What do I do when life so often happens without me? I’ll be honest, I haven’t always done it well. My love languages are quality time and touch, so it’s a painful thing for me to see others bonding from quality time while I can’t be there. Please understand I’ve never been mad at anyone, and my best friends should have lives beyond me. I encourage it. However, I’ve often felt shame, discouragement, fear, and hopelessness in many relational experiences. So how do I live in community? I first have to know whose I am and how loved I am. Every relationship flows out of our relationship with Jesus, whose love is perfect. I am His son, and I am deeply loved. I then have to go to as many events as possible, and be as consistent as possible. But even as I consistently show up, there will be people who don’t really know how to connect with me. I have to pursue people, and I have to clearly communicate my heart. I have to invite people to just be with me. We live in community to be loved, known, grow, and learn. We’re starving for affection. We were born to live in intimacy, trust, and freedom. But we’re powerful people, and it’s up to us to clearly communicate our needs and desires. I could sit in shame and fear, or I can walk through my obstacles and love. If I want to be known, that’s up to me.

I believe I will walk on earth, and I believe that day is coming soon. The unique obstacles to relationships from being in a wheelchair will soon be gone, but I will not allow them to manage me anymore. I am walking through them, just as I will when I walk. We all have something standing between us and intimacy, which usually manifests in fear, shame, and guilt. Walking won’t be an easy button for relationships, I definitely understand that. I’ll walk through my obstacles now, and I’ll do it then. I want to love passionately and courageously. I want to walk through my friend’s heartache and joy. I want to be known. Do you?     

the sad part about moving

I’m very excited about moving to Florida. It’s going to be a big change; besides living in California for a month to attend BSSM, my entire life has been in Michigan. I’m looking ahead, and I can literally see the great things God has planned for my family. Someday I’ll share that. Some of my family will be in Florida with me, and most of my very best friends moved away a long time ago, but there are people I’m sad to be moving away from. My time living in Michigan might be done, but I’ll be back. I promise you that. I’ll mess you up.

Beach Family: My family. I love them so much. I’m so thankful for every one of them. I always have fun with them. I love their willingness to be themselves. I know it’s not the end of our family time, and I’m so thankful for that. I can’t wait to walk and we can go up north together and party together. I believe we’ll experience that. We can go to Craig and Polly’s to drink, play cards, and sing.

Alex Cook: I love him. Alex is a new friend, but also very very close to me. He’s shown me how to be a friend again. He’s loved me so well. For so long I wasn’t sure if I could still make new friends, but through Jesus, and Alex, I know I can. He’s an incredible man. I wish I wasn’t moving a thousand miles from him, but I’m excited to continue our friendship, despite the distance. I’m excited to do life with him and to experience all the up and down adventures it brings. He’s my friend. I love him.

David and Sarah Reeves: They’ve been so loyal to me. We’ve been friends for a long time now. I’m so thankful for them; they were always the first people I called when I went to the hospital. They’ve taken great care of me many times. I met them through Young Life and we’ve been great friends since the first time we met. We’ve been through a lot together. I love them.

Tony and Betsy Larder: After I got my vent, my g-tube, and my teeth removed all in the same month, I felt so defeated. I felt so hopeless. Betsy’s pursuit of my heart helped awaken me back to Jesus. I will forever be grateful for that. I love them.

Krzeczkowski Family: Growing up, Frankie was one of my best friends. I miss him, but his impact on my life is huge, even to this day. I love the entire family. I pray for Laura everyday; she’s so beautiful! I believe God has great things in store for this family.

University of Michigan Health System: What can I say? They’ve been there through all of my physically horrible days. Dr. Virginia Nelson had such a huge impact on my life. She taught my parents a lot, and she pushed hard to make sure I went to mainstream schools. All of my doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists have been outstanding. They worked in tandem with my family to give me health, and to have a great quality of life. I am forever grateful.

Christ our King Lutheran Church: I learned about Jesus and I learned to have faith in Him at this church. I grew up here. I’m so thankful for the many friendships I was blessed with. Jenna was one of my best friends, and she loved me well. Becky was one of the youth leaders, and she helped bring me into an encounter with the presence of Jesus. I’m so thankful for their relentless prayers.

Saline: I know I don’t live there anymore, but it’s my hometown; I honestly still love it. I’m so thankful for every moment. Everyone in all of Saline was so kind and loving to me. Most of my best friends from Saline don’t live in Michigan anymore, but Schmitty, Dan, and Kevin do. They were such great friends to me, even when I didn’t reciprocate; friends love each other no matter what. They spent hour upon hour with me everyday, and they constantly walked with me to my favorite Chinese food restaurant. A lot of my teachers and aids had such a big impact on me. I am so thankful. I love the entire town.

I love Michigan. I love Florida.

God has a plan

“God has a plan.” It’s one of the biggest cliches of the Christian culture; it’s one of the most misused phrases that we say. Yes, God ALWAYS has a plan. I’ve talked about some of my pain. I’m going to address the two big areas in my life that has brought the most excitement and the most pain: relationships and being in a wheelchair. What is God’s plan for me in both areas?

Doing relationships has been extra hard and extra fun in my life. It hurts so bad when I can’t romantically pursue a girl that I really like. It hurts that I can’t go to my best friends house when they’re having a really bad day. It hurts that I can’t take care of my parents in some of the same ways that they take care of me. I so often feel like I can’t be a good friend, and I get pretty frustrated sometimes. It is the biggest pain and fear I have. But don’t we all have pain and fear that tries to inhibit our destiny? I will not compromise Father’s plan. His plan for my life is for me to walk, and to have complete freedom in my relationships. Am I experiencing that? No. “Oh, well, God’s plan is for me to suffer through relationships, and He’s really teaching me about unconditional love.” Unfortunately, that’s the thought process of so many people. He will use any situation and circumstance to teach us, but that doesn’t mean it was His plan. I’ve so often felt powerless in my friendships, and my heart aches so often because of it. I feel pathetic a lot. What can I actually offer this person? But I will no longer bow to my circumstances; they will bow to the King of Heaven. I’m in the process of discovering freedom in the midst of all the messiness. It has been really exciting. I’m not waiting to walk. I truly desire to love well. I want to be an outrageous lover. What does that look like? I’m still learning, but I get to celebrate the uniqueness of my situation and how that relates to my relationships. I’m so thankful for the great friends that I have, and I’m thankful for their willingness to do life with me. Relationships are so awesome; I’m extremely passionate about them. I’ve made a lot of messes in a lot of my relationships, and I’ve been able to clean them up because of their grace. I want to have relationships that are full of love, freedom, and trust. I don’t think my friendships should look very different when I do walk. Steve Nelson took care of me a lot; all of my daily physical and medical needs. He was one of my very best friends. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and cried, we were vulnerable and intimate, and we pursued Jesus together. But we were also inconvenienced. We both had to push through and say yes. How would that look if I was walking? I would take care of my physical needs, but everything else would be the same. There would be some other form of inconvenience and we would still push through. Does this make sense? A life giving friendship between two physically healthy people is still going to cost them something. Trust, vulnerability, and freedom is worth the price though. So whether it’s my disability or the everyday life of a healthy person, it’s our choice if we want to step through the inconvenience. “Steve, I love you. I feel loved when we hang out and just share our hearts; I need quality time. I feel scared and hurt if we don’t connect on a regular basis. I love being goofy with you. I really love hugs and kisses. How can I love you well?” It’s going to cost us to be vulnerable and show our hearts. But it’s also going to cost us if we choose to meet the desires and needs of our friends. It’s Father’s plan for me to do relationships perfectly healthy, and I’ll be so excited when that happens. But until then, I’m going to celebrate my unique friendships and say yes now.    

“It must be God’s will and plan for me to have SMA because I was born with it.” I believe that’s a lie. Jesus has already healed me, but I’m not walking yet. There are times where it feels hopeless and so far away. I’ve been believing for a miracle for almost ten years, and I’ve unintentionally put God on trial. Please understand me: Jesus is more passionate about me walking than I am. I want to be very careful about how to say this. He’s even more interested and passionate in the connection we have. I used to think I’ll heal others when I walk, I’ll have healthy relationships when I walk, or I’ll really make an impact when I walk. Everything was after I walk, but no more. Jesus wants to transform our entire lives. He wants us to live in perfect union with Him, be completely healthy, have relationships full of freedom, be wealthy, and to have a prosperous soul. He values our connection and relationship over everything. I’ve for so long valued my miracle over our intimacy. It’s hard to be discouraged when I’m living with His relentless love and affection bombarding my entire being. It’s hard to be discouraged when I recognize the freedom He’s bringing to my relationships and soul; in fact, I get silly happy. He’s so marvelous and fun. I can see in my body that it’s improving in some small and some not so small ways. He is continuously restoring my body, just maybe not in the ways and speed that I always want. This is not a formula. There is going to be a person with SMA with a bad attitude, not the healthiest relationships, and they might not even know Jesus. But God will heal their body so they can walk before all the other stuff. His ultimate “plan” is to be in relationship with us and to completely transform our lives. One of the deepest cries of my heart is to walk. In the midst of that pursuit (we should pursue the miraculous) it’s easy to get our eyes and heart locked in on that one breakthrough. But I’m repenting because it’s so easy to miss what God is doing when our eyes and heart aren’t set on Him and His presence. “Jesus I release life and healing on my lungs. NEW LUNGS!” The next day my lungs might not be new, but oh look, a breakthrough has happened in my soul, or I experienced His love in a new way, or I’ve made a strong connection with a friend. For so long I didn’t realize those are one in the same as my new lungs. God is after every part of us. That’s radical and exciting! The new lungs have already been given to me by the victory of Jesus; I will continue to declare them to manifest, but I will no longer be offended when I get a large check or find love in new ways instead of new lungs. I will celebrate His ways and be focused on what He’s doing; not on what I think should happen right now. Father gave me the desires of my heart. I desire to be in relationship with God, to love well, get married, walk through life with my family and best friends, change the world, be wealthy, and to go on great adventures. He values all of that even more than I do.

I want to make something very clear. We must not compromise any part of Father’s plan. If our body isn’t being healed, but we reconcile with our long lost family member instead, then we celebrate that. But we never make the agreement that God doesn’t want to heal us or that it’s not His will. If we look to and value what God is doing, it will often bring breakthrough to the thing we’ve been crying out for. We never make the agreement that we have to suffer through poverty to learn thankfulness. That’s a lie. We might face some poverty, and in the midst of that we will be thankful and declare His faithfulness and provision. Any body part and any amount of money is already ours. Does it always manifest right when we want it? No, not yet. But that doesn’t change the fact that He is JEHOVAH-RAPHA and the richest Daddy in the universe! I’m learning to live in trust, and it’s so fulfilling and fun! My current circumstances do not change who He is. I am learning to live as though I’m already transformed. I’m in the process and it’s really exciting. But I must live as though there is no lack. I want to live, worship, risk, and love as though I’m already walking. It’s sometimes very difficult, but I’m learning. My relationship with Holy Spirit is a very fun adventure; it’s full of bliss, love, pleasure, affection, joy, vulnerability, tears, laughter, trust, intimacy, and freedom. God wants to transform our lives more than we want them to be transformed, but His presence reigns over everything else. Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit: WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT TO KNOW YOU!

to become filled with sound

“In our silence

Heaven whispered out

In our darkness

Glory pierced the night

We were broken

But now we're lifted up

King of Heaven

God is here with us

Hallelujah

Angels crying aloud

Singing holy

All the praise resound

King of Heaven

On the Earth be found

King of Heaven

On the Earth be found”

- an excerpt from “King of Heaven” by Hillsong United

I love this song. I have really been getting messed up from it lately. Line after line is just filled with whacked up revelation. The phrase “all the praise resound” has truly been piercing my soul, and in particular, the word “resound.” According to Merriam-Webster, resound means “to become filled with sound.” When I worship, I want my praise to make me be filled with sound. Sound can literally carry the substance of Heaven. It has the ability to change the atmosphere around us. If we fill a cup with water, it’s eventually going to overflow. I want to be overflowing with sound. I’m not talking about just singing songs, even though that can be fun and important. The “sound” of Heaven happens when we rest and cultivate our adoration of the King of Heaven. Everyday I hang out and worship Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I definitely sing songs very loudly, but the “sound” within me is the very presence of the King of Heaven. Another definition of resound is “to become renowned.” HA! When I worship I want myself and others to be filled with the sound of Heaven. I want the “sound” of my worship to make Jesus renowned. Renowned means “widely acclaimed and highly honored.” Get this: I get to enjoy the presence of God and turn His affection back to Him, which becomes my worship. My praise resounds, and me and the atmosphere “become filled with sound,” which then makes Jesus “widely acclaimed and highly honored.” I think that’s awesome. It’s fun to listen to Holy Spirit and have fun with words. Watch the video and “become filled with sound.” Get messed up!

just a little story

I want to start this with a quick and simple story. It’s a story that has had a dramatic impact on my entire life. I think it’s important to pay attention to the seemingly quiet and little moments in our life. Sometimes these little moments will reverberate throughout our lives and the lives around us.

I was eleven months old when I was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 1. My parents had been noticing that I wasn’t standing or doing other things that healthy babies my age were doing. The pediatrician sent us to a specialist, and they did a muscle biopsy and confirmed their suspicions. Dr. Silverstein told my parents that I had Werdnig Hoffman Disease (another name for SMA). She told my parents I wouldn’t live to be two years old. My Mom was holding me closely, and she told me she zoned everything out and prayed to God. She asked Him not to take me from her, and that she would raise me in His church and she would raise me to know Him. My parents were understandably heartbroken, but they never stopped loving me and they never stopped fighting for me. I believe it started with the prayer that my Mom prayed.

I really do owe everything to my parents. My Mom kept her word, and she and my Dad raised me to know and love Jesus. They have literally given up everything so that I can live a healthy and happy life. All of my life flows from Jesus, and then it all flows from my parents. All of my relationships, independence, and health are possible because of them. I’m a lover of Jesus. I love to love. I have great friends. They laid the foundation for my life, and what a foundation it was! They continually sacrifice everything for me. I am so blessed. My parents and brother Michael, along with the rest of my extended family, have truly given me everything. It is a great desire of my heart to see my parents have the marriage that they were destined to have. Please don’t misunderstand me, they are very blessed. I know they would do everything over again for me if they had to. They’ve had a better marriage than some people with perfectly healthy children. But I want nothing less than their full inheritance and destiny. They are a son and daughter of the King! I want them to not have to wake up and roll me over five times a night. I want them to live on their own. I want them to be able to go on any vacation without having to worry about who will take care of me. I want them to be financially blessed in an extreme way. I want them to not have to care for my lungs everyday. I want them to have two perfectly healthy sons. I want them to know the intoxicating and ecstatic love of Jesus in ways they’ve never dreamed of before! I want them to have a marriage. They’re truly in love, and I want them to know what that’s like without my SMA. I’m so thankful they’ve risen above our circumstances and have fought for each other. I will join this adventure with them and honor them for all of my days. I will love them forever. I believe our circumstances will bow to Jesus! They will have the marriage they were destined to have!

Jesus I’m so thankful for what you’re doing! Wreck my parents with your outrageous love! We say yes to your yes! On earth as in Heaven.  

live like you're healed

For a year now I feel like God has been telling me to “live like you’re healed.” I have since had the revelation that I actually AM healed! I’m just not experiencing it in my earthly body yet, but I believe I will! In 2005 I heard God say He was going to “heal” my heart first, that my heart will be so free and alive - my body will have to obey and be free and alive! My body will have no choice but to respond to the freedom that reigns in my soul! Our spirit, soul, and body are all deeply connected, and Father is deeply passionate about every aspect of us! Jesus has already restored our entire being! I’m in the process of discovering how free and “healed” my heart/soul actually is at this moment! I’m on a very fun adventure of finding His victory that is already within me.

So how do I “live like I’m healed?” That’s a great question. I haven’t figured all of it out. Obviously, I can’t walk, drive, eat, romantically pursue a girl, breathe, and many other things that I will do when it actually physically manifests! So what does that mean for right now? I’m slowly learning, but I think it means to live my life as a son of God, and to be the powerful person that I am. That begins with my relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I am learning to have a friendship with them, and learning how to trust and be trusted. I’m learning to worship and love as though I’m already walking. I still talk with Jesus about not walking and the pain that comes from that, but I’m learning to just live life with the mindset that I’m completely restored and free. I hang out with God and enjoy the ecstasy of His presence, I lift Him up with my worship and praise, and I’m just intentionally real about my heart. I get to live in perfect rest and peace, even in the midst of the heartache and pain. I’m not living in denial - I’m very aware of my current condition. I just want to be more aware of the reality Jesus has for me. The hard part about living like I’m healed is having relationships with friends. It has been the greatest source of pain throughout my whole life. If I was walking I would go places to meet people, I would actually go hang out with my friends wherever they’re at, and I would be able to do a lot more for them. I’ll be so happy when that day comes, but it’s not here yet. I want to thank my friends Jordan Stroman and Alex Cook, who both directly and indirectly have helped me gain experience, understanding, and freedom. Danny Silk has been monumental in helping me see how powerful I am, and how to manage my relationships. I will manage my heart and relationships because I’m powerful and free! Right now I have a need for my friends to come to me and probably help me. I think it hurts me so bad because my number one love language is quality time, and I hate that my wheelchair prevents it so often. Sometimes I believe that walking will increase the amount of quality time in my life, and I think it definitely will. But if not my wheelchair, then something will probably come up to try and get in the way. Therefore, I need to rise above the circumstance of my wheelchair and manage my heart. I need to communicate my needs and show my heart to my friends. I also have a hard time believing I can actually meet the needs of the people that I love. I have a great desire to be a great friend and an outrageous lover. I think I do love well and I do have the ability to be a good friend. I’m free and powerful, and I think that’s the whole point of living like I’m healed. I need to manage my heart, relationships, time, finances, and love as the powerful person that I am right now. I’m already so free that my life won’t look much different from now to when I’m actually walking in the physical realm.

A big part of living like I’m healed and being a powerful person will involve this blog. Over and over again I’ve been told by family and friends that I need to write a book, and I believe God has even given me AN EMPTY WHEELCHAIR as the title. I believe the wheelchair needs to be empty to publish the book, but I can definitely start now on my blog. I’ll be honest, for a long time I have been afraid to do this. I don’t want to be the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I felt like if I started this project I would be feeding into that false identity. I’ve repented of my fear, and I’m going to start writing and chronicling my life. I’m healed and I don’t have to fear being the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I’ll be sharing my life here because I’m a son of God, and I am powerful and free. People will become more alive because of the love and passion that I have. I’m living like I’m healed, and you’ll see me walk. Get ready world!

Jesus we love you so much! Thank you for what you’ve done for us. We rest in the ecstasy of your presence, in the extreme affection and pleasure you have for all of us! We say yes to your yes. We will live in the victory you have accomplished. IT IS FINISHED! We lift you up with all of our praise and worship. Give us the revelation of how powerful and free we already are! You’re so good.

living with a disability part 2

In my last post I talked about that sometimes people define us by our disabilities and diseases. I think people see a blind girl, or a guy in the wheelchair, and they really don’t know how to connect with us on a heart level. “Sarah, you’re so brave. You deal with your blindness with such a great attitude. You truly inspire me.” A lot of people just leave it at that; they don’t go deeper. They really don't know how to pursue us. I completely understand that our disabilities makes us different, and different can be scary. But other than the things that have to be different, I think most of us want to be treated the same as everyone else. I think a lot of people are afraid to hurt our feelings or offend us. Don’t be. Be real and be you.

I want to encourage everyone who has a disability to step out and get uncomfortable. It’s actually up to us to teach people how to love us, and it’s up to us to make our needs known. A lot of people don’t know how to interact with us and create a personal connection. It’s probably true that a lot of people aren’t willing to create and steward a personal connection, period - regardless if a disability is involved or not. Having a disability is just another hindrance to a real friendship that we have to overcome. We all teach other people how to love and interact with us. If our disability is a big deal to us, then it will be to them. If we make some fun out of everything, so will they. Being in a wheelchair causes some major differences in friendships, from my very best friends to mere acquaintances. I like being real and addressing the very real heartache it creates. But I also love embracing the joy and the adventure in the midst of all the messiness. I do believe I will walk on earth, but I also don’t believe it will be some automatic switch for great friendships. It will certainly make certain things easier, but it will still be messy and difficult. If I don’t do what I can now to have deep connections and real friendships, how can I be trusted to do it when I walk? I would like to suggest that I couldn’t. Having a friendship when I do walk will still be messy, and there will still be heartache. Love suffers long. Friendships are an adventure full of hope, joy, heartache, and love.

I’ve really been learning so much about relationships and friendships. It’s not easy having a life giving friendship. But I truly want to be a great friend. I want to take the risk and love deeply. I want to be a powerful person and manage my heart, so that I can create freedom in my friendships. I want to do life with the people that I love.

living with a disability part 1

I don’t watch it consistently anymore, but I really like the television show SWITCHED AT BIRTH. It’s a family drama that takes on all kinds of issues. One of the main characters is deaf, and she has a lot of deaf friends. I can somewhat relate because I also live with a disability. It’s a good show because it doesn’t stray away from taking an honest look at what it’s like to live with a disability. But I have a big problem with a belief our culture has, and the show gives that belief it’s own platform to be showcased. I used to believe that being in a wheelchair was a good thing. People have great intentions when they say “I’m so happy I’m deaf.” “Being in a wheelchair is who I am and I’m glad I’m not walking.” “My son is autistic for a reason and I don’t want him ‘fixed’.” When we are born with a disability, it naturally becomes a big part of our identity. Those kinds of statements come from a great place in our heart. We try to make the best out of our situations, and we try to own and take pride in who we are. I love that we take hold of our circumstances, but we should not get our identity in the disability we have, and we should never believe we’re meant to be this way. Our culture is mostly past the shaming of kids with special needs, but it’s like we went to the other extreme of the spectrum. We build kids up in the identity of their disability. “Be proud of your blindness and be you.” I would like to suggest that is just as damaging as shame, just in a different way.

I remember writing an email to one of my best friends back in 2004. I was just learning that I wanted to go deeper with my friends than I had been. I was just discovering my personal relationship with Jesus. I wrote him an email about the great things that our friendship can be, mostly because of the disability I had. It’s definitely unique, and I was learning to celebrate the uniqueness of being best friends with someone while having a disability. But I soon began to believe that my friendships were “more” special because I was in a wheelchair. That’s nonsense. It takes vulnerability, freedom, selflessness, and love to have a good friendship. That’s with or without a wheelchair. Yes, my very close friends have to be pretty selfless, and we celebrate and cherish that fact. But that won’t change when I walk. We’re still going to be selfless, and we’re still going to celebrate it.

A lot of people call me wise. They say I’m wise beyond my years, and they mostly attribute that to my perspective on life from being in a wheelchair. It’s true that being in a wheelchair makes me view life in different ways, but it doesn’t make me wise. I have a lot of time to hang out with Jesus, and that’s what gives me wisdom. How do we get faith? Hang out with the one who is faithful. How do we get joy? Hang out with the one who is joyful. It doesn’t take a wheelchair or a disability to have wisdom, faith, and joy. I love everyone who has Down’s Syndrome. They so often teach us about joy and forgiveness. They are truly special people, just as we all are. But they aren’t joyful and forgiving because of Down’s Syndrome, they are because they have been invaded by Jesus. When the Kingdom of Heaven invades and manifests even more, they won’t have Down’s Syndrome - and they will be even MORE joyful, forgiving, and loving. God never gives anyone Down’s Syndrome. Bill Johnson says it best, “God can’t give you what He doesn’t have.” Disabilities are not in Heaven, and they’re not in His nature. I’m excited for the day when we consistently see it healed. Please don’t misunderstand me. I love all people, but I hate disease and disabilities. I have a great reliance on Father, I know that every breath comes from Him. My lungs are currently not as healthy as they should be. I understand the value of every breath. But guess what? Every breath will still be from Him when I have perfectly healthy lungs! Let’s stop the stupidity of elevating disease and disabilities.

We must create a shift in our culture. I’m a son of God. I’m powerful and free and full of life. I’m completely healed, but I’m having a wheelchair and ventilator experience. I will receive the things that God does inside of me through my disease. I will celebrate the uniqueness of my situation while having a great attitude. But I will NOT have my identity as a dude in a wheelchair. This disease was NEVER God’s plan or will. I’m loving, courageous, insightful, wise, and a pretty good listener. All that is because God is SO big and SO good He uses horrible diseases for His and our good. It is NOT because I’m in a wheelchair. I’m not special because I’m in a wheelchair, I’m special because I’m Zachary Daniel Beach. I’m powerful and I’m learning to live in the utter bliss and affection of Jesus. That won’t change when I walk.

living our our full inheritance part 4

I briefly touched on this in my last post, but Father is extremely passionate about us having relationships that are full of freedom and life. The highest calling on our relationships is to hang out and enjoy each other. I love that we can do ministry together and that we value expanding the Kingdom together. But I also believe that ministry can get in the way, and that we can release Heaven even more by just enjoying each other and Jesus. How do we have freedom and life? We manage ourselves. We dare to be intimate and make our needs known. I’m so thankful that my parents taught me at a young age that love is a choice. If we “fall” in love, we can “fall” out of love. I’m extremely passionate about connecting with people.

My love languages are quality time and touch. That means that when someone takes the time to have a conversation with me, or just sits with me, I feel extra loved. The possibility of having a road trip with some of my best friends makes me giddy. They would be stuck in a close space with me, whether we’re talking, singing, or being completely quiet - they would be with me. I also love hugs and kisses. I love shaking hands or when someone puts their hand on me just to show their love. There are five love languages: quality time, touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service. While it’s not good to be beholden to our love languages, we all have them and we should be aware of them. It’s pretty fun to be told how awesome I am, receive a gift, or have someone serve me. They just don’t pierce my soul like quality time or touch. One of the most painful things about being in a wheelchair is people not knowing how to just be with me. It can create a barrier. People don’t have a problem telling me how inspiring I am, but they usually don’t know how to sit down and have a real conversation with me. I remember being a young boy and seeing other boys go off and play, or seeing everyone in the student section at high school basketball and football games. I rarely felt bad about not being able to do a specific activity, it hurt because I wasn’t with them and not having my needs met. Being in a wheelchair and having quality time as your primary love language can be a painful combination. Being aware of how we feel love helps us to express our needs. I’m learning to express my needs to my family and friends.

Being a powerful person means that I’m vulnerable and express my needs, and that I show someone what’s going on inside of my heart. That gives the other person the freedom to choose to respond to my needs or not. It’s a great feeling to have a friend show us their heart and we get to choose how to respond. A lot of us are afraid to bare our souls, it’s why we see so much manipulation in relationships. It’s a lot less scary to manipulate than it is to talk about what’s going on inside of us. I’m learning that as I interact with my family and friends, and it’s been really freeing and fun. I used to try and manipulate my friends so that they would hang out with me. I was too afraid to tell them that I needed to hang out with them to have my needs met. I would manipulate or just stay silent. I would just cry and my needs went unmet. It wasn’t good. I’m thankful for grace. We’re all desperate and hungry for intimacy. We all need affection and connection.

It’s important to remember that all relationships flow out of our relationship with Jesus. Our relationship with Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father flows out of the relationship that the Trinity has. We never have lack. We’re always in perfect relationship. Our family and friends will let us down. They will choose not to meet our needs. I’ve done it on several occasions. When we have that disconnect, powerful people put up healthy boundaries. Our happiness is not decided by what other people do, it’s decided by how loved we are by Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. We bring our own happiness and love. I really thought I was in love in high school. I would have done anything for this girl. I took it a few steps too far though, I valued her and our relationship above God. We weren’t even dating, and yet I placed her above the great male friends I had. Everything was out of whack. I wanted to love her as the beautiful girl she was, but I was held captive because I was living as a powerless person. As a powerful person I can now put up boundaries and love deeply. My love isn’t managed by anyone else but me. We need the revelation of the love and pleasure God has for us. It’s from that love and pleasure that we become powerful people.

Jesus we’re so thankful that you’ve created us to be powerful. We love relationships. Give us a revelation of the love and pleasure you have for us. We love the freedom that you’ve given us. We will be vulnerable and honor our relationships.

living out our full inheritance part 3

The worst thing a believing Christian can call themselves is a “sinner saved by grace.” We have all sinned, and we must never lose sight of what Jesus did for us. But when we become born again, the old man is dead and we become a new creation. People who call themselves a sinner saved by grace are getting their identity as a sinner. When we get our identity as a sinner we’re setting ourselves up for failure. We’re not sinners. We are sons and daughters of God. We are powerful and free. We’re still capable of sinning, but we’ve really lost the appeal of it. We’re free to be powerful and manage ourselves. Sin is a big deal. Sin really isn’t that big of a deal. I love the tension of the Kingdom. God is never surprised, shocked, or angry over our sin. When I did something stupid or harmful to myself or others, my parents would get upset and help correct me. They never called me a bad boy. My stupidity never changed the way they saw me. They were only upset because I was doing something harmful to myself, others, or our connection. It’s the same with Father. He never sees us as anything other than His wonderful sons and daughters. God doesn’t hate sin because He made up some random rules, He hates sin because it causes a disruption in our connection. The disconnect is never on His side of our relationship, it’s on our side. Thankfully, Jesus has dealt with it on our side. Our spirit is in perfect union with Him.

It’s a common belief that Jesus paid the price for our sins. Unfortunately, many in the American church don’t believe that Jesus has healed us from all sickness in the very same act. We believe lies that are very damaging. We see a loved one that dies from cancer, all while praying for them to be healed. We then assume that it was God’s will for them to die. We become discouraged and don’t pray for anyone next time. We also believe that our body is somehow less important than our spirit and soul. Jesus never separated them. He is just as passionate about healing our body than forgiving our sins. Our body is just as spiritual and just as important as anything. As Christians we make agreements that says it’s okay for our body to be sick because we’re really learning perseverance and the joy of God. That’s great. We should have perseverance and joy in the midst of everything, no matter how bad our doctors report is. But those valuable lessons never make it okay to have a sick body. God is so big and so good that He will use anything bad for His and ours good. It’s never His desire or plan to use sickness to make us a better person. We must stop having the mindset that says it’s okay to be sick as long as we’re healthy emotionally and spiritually. I’m not walking yet, but I’m learning to have pleasure and freedom in the midst of everything. I can also tell you that Jesus wants to see me walking more than I want to walk. That’s crazy, because I REALLY want too. He’s so very good. He has already healed us, and I want to see His reward manifested.

Jesus also brought freedom to our souls. He didn’t die so we could one day be saved. We have total access to His victory this very day. In my mind, our soul involves our cognizant beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. I believe we can have complete freedom. We are powerful and have freedom to manage ourselves. I’ve really been learning that a lot. My relationships have involved manipulation because I felt and believed I was powerless. I remember I told one of my friends a lie one time just so my life could be more interesting. I believed the lie that I had to perform to make someone want to hang out with me. But the truth is, is that I am powerful. I’m just learning how to live that out. It’s been really fun and exciting. Father has given us complete freedom over our beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. How awesome is that? We’re going to feel pain and face scary things, but how do we manage that pain and fear? A powerless person will allow the pain and fear to rule over them. I’ve been there many times. I lived with my friend Mike for a year, he took care of a lot of my physical care. We moved in together about two months after I had the revelation that God could heal me so that I could walk. I was ready to change the world with my best friend. I wanted non stop praying, bible study, worship, and sharing our hearts. When we just relaxed I often felt restless and irritated. I became manipulative out of fear and feeling powerless. It soon created a distance in our friendship even though we were together most of everyday. While praying and all that is great and important, demanding it makes for a horrible friend. I believed lies and allowed fear to rule my soul. I believed God COULD heal me, but I wasn’t sure if He WANTED too. I was trying to perform because I didn’t know how loved I really am. Now I get to rest in the fact that Jesus WANTED to heal me so much, He already HAS. Sometimes it’s way more important that we just have fun and be silly with our friends than it is to pray or have a bible study. I believed God brought us together because I’m going to walk and we’re going to shape the course of history as we step into our destinies. That’s true. But I unfortunately made that the centerpiece and goal of our friendship. The highest calling of ANY friendship is to just hang out and love each other. I want to be friends with someone because I like being with them. Changing the world will come as a result of the love and the hanging out.

Jesus we’re so thankful that you have brought freedom to our spirit, body, and soul. We want to live it out.

living out our full inheritance part 2

"He brought me to the wine chamber and placed His banner of love over me." Song of Solomon 2:4

I believe the best part of our inheritance is we get to live in perfect intimate union with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. That’s really wild when you think about it. I was co-buried and co-risen with Jesus (see Romans 6). All the affection and love and joy and freedom that Father has for Jesus is mine. Their perfect love is mine. There is no separation between me and the Trinity. It’s all of me covered by all of them. Everything He did for us was for relationship.

I love to worship. I love to sing as loud as I can. I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I love dancing with Jesus! We party together a lot. Did you know that all my singing, laughing, and dancing is in response to Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit? He is the one singing, laughing, and dancing over me! That’s wild. His pleasure and affection and passion for me knows no limits! Worship is the most natural response to His unfailing love. I’m not saying that I feel His presence every minute of the day, because I don’t. But it’s happening more and more. Even when I don’t feel His presence, I still worship. He’s so good and worthy of all my praise. Father is constantly throwing a party for me. It’s my job to say yes to His party. I love drinking deeply of the pleasures He has for me. God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him.

I love being a friend of God. Living in perfect union demands trust. I must trust God, and I want Him to be able to trust me. I’m learning to trust Jesus like never before. I must value His presence above everything else. I want to spend time with Him because He wants to spend time with me. Our friendship is worth everything to Him. Sometimes I have visions of us eating together. He simply loves being with me, and it’s my job to honor that. I love being with Him. I want Him to be able to trust me with His presence wherever I go. I want Him to be able to trust me with His secrets, love, heart, joy, revelation, and wisdom. I trust Him with my heart. I cry with Him and pour my soul out to Him, which can be scary and painful. But He’s so tender and so loving. He loves to shower me with kisses.

Father we thank you that we’re living in perfect union with you, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. We ask for a revelation of the love and pleasure you have for us. We trust you completely. We say yes to to your party. We want to be inebriated with your intoxicating grace. The storehouses of Heaven are ours to feast on. We value you. Thank you. You’re so very good.

living out our full inheritance part 1

I don’t know about you, but I want my full inheritance as a son of God. A better way to say that: I want to live out the inheritance that is already mine from a good, good Father. Our full inheritance is available to us right now. I want to see more of it manifested here on earth every day. Heaven will be such an adventure that we’ll be discovering new things everyday. The presence and glory of God is so outrageous and vast that throughout eternity we’ll constantly be discovering His presence in new ways. I want that adventure to start now. What does that look like? How do we live that out? I’m going to write a series of blog posts so I can go in more detail. But here are some general thoughts. I believe our inheritance can be boiled down to three major areas in our life.  

I live in perfect intimate union with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.

I am saved, healed, and delivered.

My relationships are full of love and freedom.

I will share my thoughts about each one to the best of my ability. Not all of these are manifested in my life right now, but I’m on the adventure of that happening. I don’t have to wait until Heaven to experience them.  Like I said, even in Heaven, we'll be unpacking the victory Jesus has accomplished for us. That's really fun! Being a bored believer is definitely an oxymoron. It is a complete gift to us. We get to partner with God and unwrap the gift He has given us.

Father you're so good! We want to rise up as your sons and daughters and live out the inheritance you provided. We love you!

worthy of love

I’ve had to learn to receive love. A lot of people have a hard time receiving love. People are constantly laying down their life for me. I require constant care. It takes a lot to be my friend. My best friends pray with me, pursue my heart, worship with me, listen to me, party with me, go crazy, and love me deeply. But on top of that, they have to clean out my lungs, pick me up, help me stretch, roll me over at night, help me drive, wipe my butt, feed me, dress me, and countless other things. Sometimes it really breaks my heart that I can’t love them in the same ways. I will pursue their hearts and fight for them, and I will love them deeply. But if my friends are having a hard time, I can’t go give them a hug and just be with them. They have to come to me. Always. That’s very painful. It’s worse than any health thing I’ve ever dealt with. Because of that, I’ve had to learn to receive love. I’m getting to the point where I know how worthy I am of such incredible love.

It’s a great picture of the love Jesus has for us. My circumstances require my friends to lay down their life for me, they require us to be vulnerable and intimate, and they ignite my passion to relentlessly pursue their heart. I used to believe I was in a wheelchair for stuff like this. So often friendships lack selflessness, vulnerability, intimacy, passion, and deep love. My circumstances demand a lot of that from the get go. But that’s not why I’m not walking. My friendships are unique and powerful, but not because I’m in a wheelchair. Love suffers long. It hurts to love. It takes great courage to love deeply. My friends love me deeply in spite of my circumstances. When I do walk, that won’t change. Do you know how worthy you are of love? I am so worthy of outrageous love. So are you. I haven’t done anything to be worthy of love, I was just born. Papa God fashioned me to love me. He made me because He thought I might be fun to hang out with. He was right!!! I love hanging out with Him because He loved hanging out with me first. Thank you to my family and friends. You have shown me how worthy I am. Lets all lay down our lives for one another. Be brave. We’re worth it. Learn to receive love by hanging out with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.

a new kind of worry

“Worry is imagining your life without God and His goodness.” -Wendy Backlund.

 I love this quote for so many reasons. We should never imagine our life a part from God. Sometimes I partner with fear and I get anxious. A common fear I have is about getting married. I will not get married until I walk, for many reasons. I want to do life with God’s greatest creation. I want to pursue Jesus with her. I want to pursue her heart and love her. I want to help awaken her dreams and passions. I want to bring Heaven to earth with her. I want to have sex with her. I want to have kids and have a family. A family of worshipers who live for His tangible presence above everything else. We will help transform our city. I get discouraged because I imagine my life without God and His goodness. If I had my way, I would have been married at 18. I’m now 28. One by one, I’ve seen incredible girls get married. Some of them I have thought I could get to know and marry them. But there have been many other girls where I’ve had very strong feelings for them. It can be very painful and discouraging. Sometimes I wrongly think that every girl will already be taken. I get anxious because I think time is running out. I don’t want to be 56 when my kids are 18. Sometimes I really freak out. What if I never walk, and never get married? What if I do walk and I’m not supposed to get married? It’s all about trust and not partnering with fear. I must stop imagining my life without Jesus. Father has the best plan for me. It’s impossible to out imagine His goodness. Lets try worrying a different way. What if the power of God is so strong on my family, that we just leak His victory wherever we go? What if the girl of my dreams is waiting for me and I find her at just the right time? What if our marriage is so free and alive that other couples are knocking down our door because they want what we have? What if I get to travel the world and see countless people get out of their wheelchairs? What if I get to make my parents dinner, and it tastes so good they want me to do it every night? What if Holy Spirit rests in my house in such a powerful way that I won’t be able to move for days? It’s a lot more fun to imagine our lives with the goodness of God involved. Our “problems” become much more fun. But it’s not just about having fun. His thoughts and His reality are the truest thing about our current circumstances and our future. Lets repent for imagining our lives without God and His goodness. Repentance means changing the way I think. It means to think like God.

my cousins Ryan and Ronnie

My cousins Ryan and Ronnie had a big impact on my life at a very young age. Ryan is two years older than me, and Ronnie is two months older. Like most younger cousins I totally looked up to them. I wanted to dress like them, watch the movies they watched, play the games they played, and overall wanted to be just like them. I will forever be grateful for the time we spent together. We spent a lot of time playing video games together. We played lots of different ones, but my favorite were the ones that had anything to do with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For the most part me and Ryan would play together, and then Michael and Ron would play together. We would always watch each team play. It was so fun. We would walk to the video store and we would rent a PG-13 or R movie. I felt SO COOL. When they spent the night, or I spent the night there, me and Ryan usually ended up bunking together. One time a babysitter had just put me to bed, and me and Ryan could not fall asleep. I admitted to him I had a huge crush on her and wanted to get back up to be around her. This is pretty hilarious. Ryan got up and told her that I was hungry and that she needed to feed me. So about a half hour after the whole process of putting me to bed, she got me back up. Poor girl. I ate two slices of pizza as slowly as possible. Me and Ryan just hung out with her and ate pizza for an hour. It was amazing. The four of us would play Monopoly all night long. As we got a little older Goldeneye and Mario Kart were our games of choice. For a long time Dad wouldn't let me and Michael have our own Nintendo, so it was such a treat when Ryan and Ronnie brought theirs. I'm so thankful to both of our parents for making it a priority for us to hang out. We hung out and I loved it. I don't really have to much of a spiritual point. When I was with them my heart awakened. As a young kid I was sick a lot, but I pretty much forgot that when I was around them. I was a normal boy hanging out with my cousins. It is my opinion that extra hour of eating pizza with Ryan and our babysitter was more valuable than a years worth of medicine. I got to live outside of my circumstances and be a regular seven year old boy. Ryan and Ronnie, I love you. Thank you. Thank you to my parents and my Aunt Rita and Uncle Keith. You made me healthier. You loved me deeply.

from defeat to victory

Our greatest defeats will become our biggest victory. How great is Jesus? I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy and I have never walked. In 2008 I got so sick I had to be put on a ventilator for breathing assistance 24/7. Father's plan was for me to be born completely healthy and walking. It's how He sees me right now. However, I was born with SMA. So what's God's plan for me? I get to glorify Jesus by walking and bringing everyone out of their wheelchairs and off their ventilators. Sounds kind of crazy and literally impossible, right? If God's plans for you doesn't involve the impossible bowing to His name, then I don't think you're fully grasping His ways. Jesus healed everyone when He died and rose from the dead. It's our privilege as His kids and friends to say "YES" to His victory and see it manifested here on earth. That just really excites me. Growing up with SMA I was extremely scared of thunderstorms and tornadoes. I think a lot of kids are but I felt helpless even around my family. I would spend countless hours watching The Weather Channel. I felt completely helpless because I couldn't run to the basement or any other place to feel safe. It was pretty irrational but it felt very real and true to me. God has reversed one of my biggest fears into one of my biggest victories. Put me in front of a tornado and I have great faith and confidence I can command it to dissipate. I'm not saying I can control all weather, otherwise we would not be having this horrible winter. But I have complete faith I can command peace to any destructive weather in front of me. It's an unusual faith that only comes from having victory in the very place of one of my biggest fears. It's not a victory that I have attained, but it comes from complete trust and rest in the one who is Victorious. It is my privilege and responsibility to manifest His victory. I believe Holy Spirit intends the same thing for me when it comes to wheelchairs and ventilators. I pray for everyone who is sick, no matter what is ailing them. But I do believe I have a grace to see people walk for the first time. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. Are/were you depressed? God will give you an extreme grace to bring people out of depression and into great joy. Do/did you have cancer? Pray for everyone with the same kind of cancer and see breakthrough manifest. Are/were you totally broke? Pray for others who are broke and watch the cash flow. What has been the hardest part of your life? Ask Jesus what He thinks about your situation. He will use our greatest weakness and reverse it to our greatest victory. He is that good! He loves revealing His goodness to us, especially in the ways we most hurt. Jesus reveal the pleasure and passion you have for each of us. Show us the ways of your Kingdom. We love you!!!!!

my new friend Jordan

I want to let you know about my new friend Jordan Stroman. She's a beautiful and courageous daughter of the King. She is in a wheelchair full time and also uses breathing equipment that is probably similar to my ventilator. God put it in her heart to go to San Diego for the Storyline conference with Donald Miller. Her Mom and a few of her friends are taking her, and they are also filming a documentary about traveling with our kind of circumstances. It sucks. I'm most comfortable in my wheelchair and bed, and no where else. I think it's great to raise awareness with the airlines and the public at large. She has a Kickstarter here and I want you to watch her video. Let her love and courage sink in. Her beauty and passion are contagious. Lets bless her and pour into her with our prayers and money. They have already met their goal in one day, but His Kingdom is made of excess! I love that she's doing this. Words can't describe what it feels like when our friends lay down their lives for us and make our true reality manifested. When they say it doesn't matter what our circumstances are. I'm so thankful for every friend who has laid down their life for me. My brother Michael, Joel, Garrett, Brittnee, Carrie, Mike Schmidtke, Jake Pelican, Kevin Lyke, Dan Wilcox, Jeff Stall, Michael Prentice, Steve Nelson, Andrew Nelson, Bryan Hamilton, David & Sarah Reeves, Betsy Larder, Toth Family and Ministries, David D'Louhy, Allan Logan, Joseph Payne, Erica Gismegian, and countless others. You remind me of who I am. Our all night talks. Walking to the video store. Our crazy adventures to California and Florida. When you pursue my heart. Singing and praying over me for His victory to manifest in my body. Crazy man parties where I pretty much forgot I was in a wheelchair. The nights of rolling me over and cleaning out my lungs to help me breathe. Your hugs and kisses. Worshiping with me. Playing video games all night long. Listening to my heart and crying with me. Our walks to Busch's for delicious potato skins. Crazy dance parties. God sees me as His son, totally restored and healed. Before it has manifested here on earth, you have helped me live out my true reality. You said screw you to my circumstances and loved me deeply. Your love and service called out my destiny. It ignites my heart. I love you and thank you. Father I thank you for your extravagance! Thank you for my new friend Jordan. Bless her wildly! Thank you for her friends! Thank you for giving her courage and determination to follow her heart, no matter how difficult. Thank you for healing her, and I command it to manifest now! I command her body to align with heaven. Bless her movie. I release favor so that it will be seen by every CEO of every airline. Let her courage be heard. Pursue her and encounter her in California. Talk to her of her dreams, desires, and destiny. Wow! You're such a good Daddy! Here is Jordan's personal blog. Give her money here.

sitting in a chair

I want to talk about having a relationship with Jesus. A couple years ago I had a vision of me sitting in a regular chair right across from Jesus. He was also sitting down in the same kind of chair. It's very simple, but also profound. Me and Jesus were just hanging out loving on each other. It was awesome. So many Christians, including myself, aren't aware of how much He loves hanging out with us. Religion makes God out to be angry and distant. The proverbial Big Guy in the sky. We must repent and start getting personal. Be real. Share your heart. You can't offend Him. Lets not over spiritualize this. When I'm with my best friends I love being intimate. I love to share my dreams, fears, desires, insecurities, and destiny. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I love just being in their presence. I love goofing around and going crazy. I like to play games. I love dancing and showing off my moves. It's the same with Jesus. He is my best friend and the lover of my soul. I'm learning to just hang out with Him and allow Him to love on me. He delights in me. I get to ride that delight right back to Him. I tell Him things from the depths of my soul. He sits with me and cries with me. I'm constantly laughing with Him and taking delight in the delight He takes in me. His ecstatic joy and love for me knows no bounds. He's so good and so worthy. I love dancing with the King of Kings. I love hearing His voice. I love going crazy and being silly with Him. He has a real sense of humor. I'm constantly learning and growing in my friendships. I'm learning to trust deeper. It's all about trust. If there's an area in my life where I don't trust Him, that's bad. I immediately repent, which means I change the way I think to what He thinks. I want Him to be able to trust me with His thoughts, dreams, desires, mysteries, and secrets. "Let me feel the heat of your gaze. Let me see you Ancient of Days. Let me see the fire in your eyes. Let me feel your burning desire." -Laura Hackett

an adventure to live

I am fascinated by His unending mystery. Way back in high school I read WILD AT HEART by John Eldredge. It was the first book I read that really grabbed my heart. I never realized that God was fun. This book opened my eyes to the wildness of His Good News. The section that I want to talk about is having an adventure to live. Every man longs for adventure. I know adventure makes my heart come alive. If I'm not focused on the adventure that I'm living I definitely am not living to my potential. I used to get discouraged because I wasn't sure how much adventure I could live on a daily basis. My life is one big routine out of necessity. Me and spontaneity do not mix well. The wildness and craziness of His presence is my daily adventure. My Mom hated it when my brother and I would say "I'm bored." She thought we never had any reason to be bored. I learned at a young age to not say it, and I'm so thankful for that. Christians never have any reason to be bored. If Jesus isn't the most fascinating part of my life then there is a disconnect on my end. Sometimes when I hang out with Jesus I feel His unceasing joy. I literally can't stop laughing. Sometimes I am wrecked by His interest in my heart and all I can do is weep. The Creator of the universe wants to pursue my heart! I'm trying to remember to go after His heart, which is an adventure that will last for eternity. Did you know God wants to trust us with His secrets, desires, and thoughts? Wow! Sometimes I can feel His tangible presence in my room. Holy Spirit loves to play! For real. He loves having fun. Sometimes He shows up in ways I never understand. His presence is wild and unscripted, an adventure unto itself. If you're bored, ask Father for a sense of adventure. Lets not put Jesus in a box. When you're in the secret place, ask Him what He has for you. Let Him surprise you. Jesus I want to be fascinated by you everyday. Take me on the adventure of our relationship!

everything happens for a reason?

I haven't written anything in a long time. I got tired of this blog and tried starting a new one. I wasn't sure if I liked the name "an empty wheelchair" anymore. I want to be known as a lover of Jesus above anything else. But I just believe an empty wheelchair is such a powerful image. God gave it to me as a promise. I also believe I will write a book with the same name after it manifests. So no, my wheelchair is not empty yet. In fact, I have a new wheelchair waiting for me in my garage. I really hate switching wheelchairs. It's so much a part of who I am it's hard to adjust. I would much rather start walking right now. Jesus already healed me when He died and rose for me. He sufficiently dealt with all disease. I've commanded it to manifest and have had many others do the same. So why am I not walking? I don't know. It would be wrong for me to create a theology based on that question. Being in a wheelchair has taught me so much about life. Many people call me wise, and that wisdom often comes from being in a wheelchair. In high school I wasn't able to go out drinking and partying and hooking up with girls. Deep down I'm happy I still have my virginity and being in a wheelchair has been a great way to keep it. My whole life I've had to rely on people to help me. I've learned that if a person lays down their life to take care of me, our relationship is much richer and deeper because of it. We get to connect on a level a lot of people miss out on. Spinal Muscular Atrophy has shaped me without becoming me. I'm so thankful for every lesson of perseverance, humility, and joy. I learned at a very young age that Jesus is my savior. I learned if I didn't completely rely on Him I could die. I had very little doubt about God because every breath was from Him. I could go on all day about positives from having SMA. They are all true. I used to believe God put me in a wheelchair to learn these lessons and to help me love Him more. NO!!!! Spinal Muscular Atrophy is a disease from hell that has illegally invaded His son's body. God is *so* good He taught me all that despite having a disease. SMA could have ruined my family but it made us stronger in lots of ways. Wow! "Everything happens for a reason" is an extremely damaging lie that many Christians believe. Aunt Sally gets cancer, but Uncle Joe comes to know Jesus because of her love and humility while having cancer. Grandpa Jack lost his house, he leaned on God, and ultimately he learned what it means to be generous. I think you get the idea. You did not get cancer for any reason. I do not have SMA for a reason. God is so big and so good He will use all things for mine and His good. Good things come from disease everyday and people assume that's why they have it. Well that's why Aunt Sally got cancer. Uncle Joe is now saved. NO. Lets stop being impressed with disease and put our eyes on the one who Impresses. God doesn't need disease to teach us humility or our reliance on Him. God gets no glory from me having SMA. He gets glory from my worship. He will get His ultimate glory and reward when I walk. God is so good all the time!