living with a disability part 2

In my last post I talked about that sometimes people define us by our disabilities and diseases. I think people see a blind girl, or a guy in the wheelchair, and they really don’t know how to connect with us on a heart level. “Sarah, you’re so brave. You deal with your blindness with such a great attitude. You truly inspire me.” A lot of people just leave it at that; they don’t go deeper. They really don't know how to pursue us. I completely understand that our disabilities makes us different, and different can be scary. But other than the things that have to be different, I think most of us want to be treated the same as everyone else. I think a lot of people are afraid to hurt our feelings or offend us. Don’t be. Be real and be you.

I want to encourage everyone who has a disability to step out and get uncomfortable. It’s actually up to us to teach people how to love us, and it’s up to us to make our needs known. A lot of people don’t know how to interact with us and create a personal connection. It’s probably true that a lot of people aren’t willing to create and steward a personal connection, period - regardless if a disability is involved or not. Having a disability is just another hindrance to a real friendship that we have to overcome. We all teach other people how to love and interact with us. If our disability is a big deal to us, then it will be to them. If we make some fun out of everything, so will they. Being in a wheelchair causes some major differences in friendships, from my very best friends to mere acquaintances. I like being real and addressing the very real heartache it creates. But I also love embracing the joy and the adventure in the midst of all the messiness. I do believe I will walk on earth, but I also don’t believe it will be some automatic switch for great friendships. It will certainly make certain things easier, but it will still be messy and difficult. If I don’t do what I can now to have deep connections and real friendships, how can I be trusted to do it when I walk? I would like to suggest that I couldn’t. Having a friendship when I do walk will still be messy, and there will still be heartache. Love suffers long. Friendships are an adventure full of hope, joy, heartache, and love.

I’ve really been learning so much about relationships and friendships. It’s not easy having a life giving friendship. But I truly want to be a great friend. I want to take the risk and love deeply. I want to be a powerful person and manage my heart, so that I can create freedom in my friendships. I want to do life with the people that I love.

living with a disability part 1

I don’t watch it consistently anymore, but I really like the television show SWITCHED AT BIRTH. It’s a family drama that takes on all kinds of issues. One of the main characters is deaf, and she has a lot of deaf friends. I can somewhat relate because I also live with a disability. It’s a good show because it doesn’t stray away from taking an honest look at what it’s like to live with a disability. But I have a big problem with a belief our culture has, and the show gives that belief it’s own platform to be showcased. I used to believe that being in a wheelchair was a good thing. People have great intentions when they say “I’m so happy I’m deaf.” “Being in a wheelchair is who I am and I’m glad I’m not walking.” “My son is autistic for a reason and I don’t want him ‘fixed’.” When we are born with a disability, it naturally becomes a big part of our identity. Those kinds of statements come from a great place in our heart. We try to make the best out of our situations, and we try to own and take pride in who we are. I love that we take hold of our circumstances, but we should not get our identity in the disability we have, and we should never believe we’re meant to be this way. Our culture is mostly past the shaming of kids with special needs, but it’s like we went to the other extreme of the spectrum. We build kids up in the identity of their disability. “Be proud of your blindness and be you.” I would like to suggest that is just as damaging as shame, just in a different way.

I remember writing an email to one of my best friends back in 2004. I was just learning that I wanted to go deeper with my friends than I had been. I was just discovering my personal relationship with Jesus. I wrote him an email about the great things that our friendship can be, mostly because of the disability I had. It’s definitely unique, and I was learning to celebrate the uniqueness of being best friends with someone while having a disability. But I soon began to believe that my friendships were “more” special because I was in a wheelchair. That’s nonsense. It takes vulnerability, freedom, selflessness, and love to have a good friendship. That’s with or without a wheelchair. Yes, my very close friends have to be pretty selfless, and we celebrate and cherish that fact. But that won’t change when I walk. We’re still going to be selfless, and we’re still going to celebrate it.

A lot of people call me wise. They say I’m wise beyond my years, and they mostly attribute that to my perspective on life from being in a wheelchair. It’s true that being in a wheelchair makes me view life in different ways, but it doesn’t make me wise. I have a lot of time to hang out with Jesus, and that’s what gives me wisdom. How do we get faith? Hang out with the one who is faithful. How do we get joy? Hang out with the one who is joyful. It doesn’t take a wheelchair or a disability to have wisdom, faith, and joy. I love everyone who has Down’s Syndrome. They so often teach us about joy and forgiveness. They are truly special people, just as we all are. But they aren’t joyful and forgiving because of Down’s Syndrome, they are because they have been invaded by Jesus. When the Kingdom of Heaven invades and manifests even more, they won’t have Down’s Syndrome - and they will be even MORE joyful, forgiving, and loving. God never gives anyone Down’s Syndrome. Bill Johnson says it best, “God can’t give you what He doesn’t have.” Disabilities are not in Heaven, and they’re not in His nature. I’m excited for the day when we consistently see it healed. Please don’t misunderstand me. I love all people, but I hate disease and disabilities. I have a great reliance on Father, I know that every breath comes from Him. My lungs are currently not as healthy as they should be. I understand the value of every breath. But guess what? Every breath will still be from Him when I have perfectly healthy lungs! Let’s stop the stupidity of elevating disease and disabilities.

We must create a shift in our culture. I’m a son of God. I’m powerful and free and full of life. I’m completely healed, but I’m having a wheelchair and ventilator experience. I will receive the things that God does inside of me through my disease. I will celebrate the uniqueness of my situation while having a great attitude. But I will NOT have my identity as a dude in a wheelchair. This disease was NEVER God’s plan or will. I’m loving, courageous, insightful, wise, and a pretty good listener. All that is because God is SO big and SO good He uses horrible diseases for His and our good. It is NOT because I’m in a wheelchair. I’m not special because I’m in a wheelchair, I’m special because I’m Zachary Daniel Beach. I’m powerful and I’m learning to live in the utter bliss and affection of Jesus. That won’t change when I walk.

living our our full inheritance part 4

I briefly touched on this in my last post, but Father is extremely passionate about us having relationships that are full of freedom and life. The highest calling on our relationships is to hang out and enjoy each other. I love that we can do ministry together and that we value expanding the Kingdom together. But I also believe that ministry can get in the way, and that we can release Heaven even more by just enjoying each other and Jesus. How do we have freedom and life? We manage ourselves. We dare to be intimate and make our needs known. I’m so thankful that my parents taught me at a young age that love is a choice. If we “fall” in love, we can “fall” out of love. I’m extremely passionate about connecting with people.

My love languages are quality time and touch. That means that when someone takes the time to have a conversation with me, or just sits with me, I feel extra loved. The possibility of having a road trip with some of my best friends makes me giddy. They would be stuck in a close space with me, whether we’re talking, singing, or being completely quiet - they would be with me. I also love hugs and kisses. I love shaking hands or when someone puts their hand on me just to show their love. There are five love languages: quality time, touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service. While it’s not good to be beholden to our love languages, we all have them and we should be aware of them. It’s pretty fun to be told how awesome I am, receive a gift, or have someone serve me. They just don’t pierce my soul like quality time or touch. One of the most painful things about being in a wheelchair is people not knowing how to just be with me. It can create a barrier. People don’t have a problem telling me how inspiring I am, but they usually don’t know how to sit down and have a real conversation with me. I remember being a young boy and seeing other boys go off and play, or seeing everyone in the student section at high school basketball and football games. I rarely felt bad about not being able to do a specific activity, it hurt because I wasn’t with them and not having my needs met. Being in a wheelchair and having quality time as your primary love language can be a painful combination. Being aware of how we feel love helps us to express our needs. I’m learning to express my needs to my family and friends.

Being a powerful person means that I’m vulnerable and express my needs, and that I show someone what’s going on inside of my heart. That gives the other person the freedom to choose to respond to my needs or not. It’s a great feeling to have a friend show us their heart and we get to choose how to respond. A lot of us are afraid to bare our souls, it’s why we see so much manipulation in relationships. It’s a lot less scary to manipulate than it is to talk about what’s going on inside of us. I’m learning that as I interact with my family and friends, and it’s been really freeing and fun. I used to try and manipulate my friends so that they would hang out with me. I was too afraid to tell them that I needed to hang out with them to have my needs met. I would manipulate or just stay silent. I would just cry and my needs went unmet. It wasn’t good. I’m thankful for grace. We’re all desperate and hungry for intimacy. We all need affection and connection.

It’s important to remember that all relationships flow out of our relationship with Jesus. Our relationship with Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father flows out of the relationship that the Trinity has. We never have lack. We’re always in perfect relationship. Our family and friends will let us down. They will choose not to meet our needs. I’ve done it on several occasions. When we have that disconnect, powerful people put up healthy boundaries. Our happiness is not decided by what other people do, it’s decided by how loved we are by Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. We bring our own happiness and love. I really thought I was in love in high school. I would have done anything for this girl. I took it a few steps too far though, I valued her and our relationship above God. We weren’t even dating, and yet I placed her above the great male friends I had. Everything was out of whack. I wanted to love her as the beautiful girl she was, but I was held captive because I was living as a powerless person. As a powerful person I can now put up boundaries and love deeply. My love isn’t managed by anyone else but me. We need the revelation of the love and pleasure God has for us. It’s from that love and pleasure that we become powerful people.

Jesus we’re so thankful that you’ve created us to be powerful. We love relationships. Give us a revelation of the love and pleasure you have for us. We love the freedom that you’ve given us. We will be vulnerable and honor our relationships.

living out our full inheritance part 3

The worst thing a believing Christian can call themselves is a “sinner saved by grace.” We have all sinned, and we must never lose sight of what Jesus did for us. But when we become born again, the old man is dead and we become a new creation. People who call themselves a sinner saved by grace are getting their identity as a sinner. When we get our identity as a sinner we’re setting ourselves up for failure. We’re not sinners. We are sons and daughters of God. We are powerful and free. We’re still capable of sinning, but we’ve really lost the appeal of it. We’re free to be powerful and manage ourselves. Sin is a big deal. Sin really isn’t that big of a deal. I love the tension of the Kingdom. God is never surprised, shocked, or angry over our sin. When I did something stupid or harmful to myself or others, my parents would get upset and help correct me. They never called me a bad boy. My stupidity never changed the way they saw me. They were only upset because I was doing something harmful to myself, others, or our connection. It’s the same with Father. He never sees us as anything other than His wonderful sons and daughters. God doesn’t hate sin because He made up some random rules, He hates sin because it causes a disruption in our connection. The disconnect is never on His side of our relationship, it’s on our side. Thankfully, Jesus has dealt with it on our side. Our spirit is in perfect union with Him.

It’s a common belief that Jesus paid the price for our sins. Unfortunately, many in the American church don’t believe that Jesus has healed us from all sickness in the very same act. We believe lies that are very damaging. We see a loved one that dies from cancer, all while praying for them to be healed. We then assume that it was God’s will for them to die. We become discouraged and don’t pray for anyone next time. We also believe that our body is somehow less important than our spirit and soul. Jesus never separated them. He is just as passionate about healing our body than forgiving our sins. Our body is just as spiritual and just as important as anything. As Christians we make agreements that says it’s okay for our body to be sick because we’re really learning perseverance and the joy of God. That’s great. We should have perseverance and joy in the midst of everything, no matter how bad our doctors report is. But those valuable lessons never make it okay to have a sick body. God is so big and so good that He will use anything bad for His and ours good. It’s never His desire or plan to use sickness to make us a better person. We must stop having the mindset that says it’s okay to be sick as long as we’re healthy emotionally and spiritually. I’m not walking yet, but I’m learning to have pleasure and freedom in the midst of everything. I can also tell you that Jesus wants to see me walking more than I want to walk. That’s crazy, because I REALLY want too. He’s so very good. He has already healed us, and I want to see His reward manifested.

Jesus also brought freedom to our souls. He didn’t die so we could one day be saved. We have total access to His victory this very day. In my mind, our soul involves our cognizant beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. I believe we can have complete freedom. We are powerful and have freedom to manage ourselves. I’ve really been learning that a lot. My relationships have involved manipulation because I felt and believed I was powerless. I remember I told one of my friends a lie one time just so my life could be more interesting. I believed the lie that I had to perform to make someone want to hang out with me. But the truth is, is that I am powerful. I’m just learning how to live that out. It’s been really fun and exciting. Father has given us complete freedom over our beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. How awesome is that? We’re going to feel pain and face scary things, but how do we manage that pain and fear? A powerless person will allow the pain and fear to rule over them. I’ve been there many times. I lived with my friend Mike for a year, he took care of a lot of my physical care. We moved in together about two months after I had the revelation that God could heal me so that I could walk. I was ready to change the world with my best friend. I wanted non stop praying, bible study, worship, and sharing our hearts. When we just relaxed I often felt restless and irritated. I became manipulative out of fear and feeling powerless. It soon created a distance in our friendship even though we were together most of everyday. While praying and all that is great and important, demanding it makes for a horrible friend. I believed lies and allowed fear to rule my soul. I believed God COULD heal me, but I wasn’t sure if He WANTED too. I was trying to perform because I didn’t know how loved I really am. Now I get to rest in the fact that Jesus WANTED to heal me so much, He already HAS. Sometimes it’s way more important that we just have fun and be silly with our friends than it is to pray or have a bible study. I believed God brought us together because I’m going to walk and we’re going to shape the course of history as we step into our destinies. That’s true. But I unfortunately made that the centerpiece and goal of our friendship. The highest calling of ANY friendship is to just hang out and love each other. I want to be friends with someone because I like being with them. Changing the world will come as a result of the love and the hanging out.

Jesus we’re so thankful that you have brought freedom to our spirit, body, and soul. We want to live it out.

living out our full inheritance part 2

"He brought me to the wine chamber and placed His banner of love over me." Song of Solomon 2:4

I believe the best part of our inheritance is we get to live in perfect intimate union with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. That’s really wild when you think about it. I was co-buried and co-risen with Jesus (see Romans 6). All the affection and love and joy and freedom that Father has for Jesus is mine. Their perfect love is mine. There is no separation between me and the Trinity. It’s all of me covered by all of them. Everything He did for us was for relationship.

I love to worship. I love to sing as loud as I can. I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I love dancing with Jesus! We party together a lot. Did you know that all my singing, laughing, and dancing is in response to Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit? He is the one singing, laughing, and dancing over me! That’s wild. His pleasure and affection and passion for me knows no limits! Worship is the most natural response to His unfailing love. I’m not saying that I feel His presence every minute of the day, because I don’t. But it’s happening more and more. Even when I don’t feel His presence, I still worship. He’s so good and worthy of all my praise. Father is constantly throwing a party for me. It’s my job to say yes to His party. I love drinking deeply of the pleasures He has for me. God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him.

I love being a friend of God. Living in perfect union demands trust. I must trust God, and I want Him to be able to trust me. I’m learning to trust Jesus like never before. I must value His presence above everything else. I want to spend time with Him because He wants to spend time with me. Our friendship is worth everything to Him. Sometimes I have visions of us eating together. He simply loves being with me, and it’s my job to honor that. I love being with Him. I want Him to be able to trust me with His presence wherever I go. I want Him to be able to trust me with His secrets, love, heart, joy, revelation, and wisdom. I trust Him with my heart. I cry with Him and pour my soul out to Him, which can be scary and painful. But He’s so tender and so loving. He loves to shower me with kisses.

Father we thank you that we’re living in perfect union with you, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. We ask for a revelation of the love and pleasure you have for us. We trust you completely. We say yes to to your party. We want to be inebriated with your intoxicating grace. The storehouses of Heaven are ours to feast on. We value you. Thank you. You’re so very good.

living out our full inheritance part 1

I don’t know about you, but I want my full inheritance as a son of God. A better way to say that: I want to live out the inheritance that is already mine from a good, good Father. Our full inheritance is available to us right now. I want to see more of it manifested here on earth every day. Heaven will be such an adventure that we’ll be discovering new things everyday. The presence and glory of God is so outrageous and vast that throughout eternity we’ll constantly be discovering His presence in new ways. I want that adventure to start now. What does that look like? How do we live that out? I’m going to write a series of blog posts so I can go in more detail. But here are some general thoughts. I believe our inheritance can be boiled down to three major areas in our life.  

I live in perfect intimate union with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.

I am saved, healed, and delivered.

My relationships are full of love and freedom.

I will share my thoughts about each one to the best of my ability. Not all of these are manifested in my life right now, but I’m on the adventure of that happening. I don’t have to wait until Heaven to experience them.  Like I said, even in Heaven, we'll be unpacking the victory Jesus has accomplished for us. That's really fun! Being a bored believer is definitely an oxymoron. It is a complete gift to us. We get to partner with God and unwrap the gift He has given us.

Father you're so good! We want to rise up as your sons and daughters and live out the inheritance you provided. We love you!

worthy of love

I’ve had to learn to receive love. A lot of people have a hard time receiving love. People are constantly laying down their life for me. I require constant care. It takes a lot to be my friend. My best friends pray with me, pursue my heart, worship with me, listen to me, party with me, go crazy, and love me deeply. But on top of that, they have to clean out my lungs, pick me up, help me stretch, roll me over at night, help me drive, wipe my butt, feed me, dress me, and countless other things. Sometimes it really breaks my heart that I can’t love them in the same ways. I will pursue their hearts and fight for them, and I will love them deeply. But if my friends are having a hard time, I can’t go give them a hug and just be with them. They have to come to me. Always. That’s very painful. It’s worse than any health thing I’ve ever dealt with. Because of that, I’ve had to learn to receive love. I’m getting to the point where I know how worthy I am of such incredible love.

It’s a great picture of the love Jesus has for us. My circumstances require my friends to lay down their life for me, they require us to be vulnerable and intimate, and they ignite my passion to relentlessly pursue their heart. I used to believe I was in a wheelchair for stuff like this. So often friendships lack selflessness, vulnerability, intimacy, passion, and deep love. My circumstances demand a lot of that from the get go. But that’s not why I’m not walking. My friendships are unique and powerful, but not because I’m in a wheelchair. Love suffers long. It hurts to love. It takes great courage to love deeply. My friends love me deeply in spite of my circumstances. When I do walk, that won’t change. Do you know how worthy you are of love? I am so worthy of outrageous love. So are you. I haven’t done anything to be worthy of love, I was just born. Papa God fashioned me to love me. He made me because He thought I might be fun to hang out with. He was right!!! I love hanging out with Him because He loved hanging out with me first. Thank you to my family and friends. You have shown me how worthy I am. Lets all lay down our lives for one another. Be brave. We’re worth it. Learn to receive love by hanging out with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.