to become filled with sound

“In our silence

Heaven whispered out

In our darkness

Glory pierced the night

We were broken

But now we're lifted up

King of Heaven

God is here with us

Hallelujah

Angels crying aloud

Singing holy

All the praise resound

King of Heaven

On the Earth be found

King of Heaven

On the Earth be found”

- an excerpt from “King of Heaven” by Hillsong United

I love this song. I have really been getting messed up from it lately. Line after line is just filled with whacked up revelation. The phrase “all the praise resound” has truly been piercing my soul, and in particular, the word “resound.” According to Merriam-Webster, resound means “to become filled with sound.” When I worship, I want my praise to make me be filled with sound. Sound can literally carry the substance of Heaven. It has the ability to change the atmosphere around us. If we fill a cup with water, it’s eventually going to overflow. I want to be overflowing with sound. I’m not talking about just singing songs, even though that can be fun and important. The “sound” of Heaven happens when we rest and cultivate our adoration of the King of Heaven. Everyday I hang out and worship Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I definitely sing songs very loudly, but the “sound” within me is the very presence of the King of Heaven. Another definition of resound is “to become renowned.” HA! When I worship I want myself and others to be filled with the sound of Heaven. I want the “sound” of my worship to make Jesus renowned. Renowned means “widely acclaimed and highly honored.” Get this: I get to enjoy the presence of God and turn His affection back to Him, which becomes my worship. My praise resounds, and me and the atmosphere “become filled with sound,” which then makes Jesus “widely acclaimed and highly honored.” I think that’s awesome. It’s fun to listen to Holy Spirit and have fun with words. Watch the video and “become filled with sound.” Get messed up!

just a little story

I want to start this with a quick and simple story. It’s a story that has had a dramatic impact on my entire life. I think it’s important to pay attention to the seemingly quiet and little moments in our life. Sometimes these little moments will reverberate throughout our lives and the lives around us.

I was eleven months old when I was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 1. My parents had been noticing that I wasn’t standing or doing other things that healthy babies my age were doing. The pediatrician sent us to a specialist, and they did a muscle biopsy and confirmed their suspicions. Dr. Silverstein told my parents that I had Werdnig Hoffman Disease (another name for SMA). She told my parents I wouldn’t live to be two years old. My Mom was holding me closely, and she told me she zoned everything out and prayed to God. She asked Him not to take me from her, and that she would raise me in His church and she would raise me to know Him. My parents were understandably heartbroken, but they never stopped loving me and they never stopped fighting for me. I believe it started with the prayer that my Mom prayed.

I really do owe everything to my parents. My Mom kept her word, and she and my Dad raised me to know and love Jesus. They have literally given up everything so that I can live a healthy and happy life. All of my life flows from Jesus, and then it all flows from my parents. All of my relationships, independence, and health are possible because of them. I’m a lover of Jesus. I love to love. I have great friends. They laid the foundation for my life, and what a foundation it was! They continually sacrifice everything for me. I am so blessed. My parents and brother Michael, along with the rest of my extended family, have truly given me everything. It is a great desire of my heart to see my parents have the marriage that they were destined to have. Please don’t misunderstand me, they are very blessed. I know they would do everything over again for me if they had to. They’ve had a better marriage than some people with perfectly healthy children. But I want nothing less than their full inheritance and destiny. They are a son and daughter of the King! I want them to not have to wake up and roll me over five times a night. I want them to live on their own. I want them to be able to go on any vacation without having to worry about who will take care of me. I want them to be financially blessed in an extreme way. I want them to not have to care for my lungs everyday. I want them to have two perfectly healthy sons. I want them to know the intoxicating and ecstatic love of Jesus in ways they’ve never dreamed of before! I want them to have a marriage. They’re truly in love, and I want them to know what that’s like without my SMA. I’m so thankful they’ve risen above our circumstances and have fought for each other. I will join this adventure with them and honor them for all of my days. I will love them forever. I believe our circumstances will bow to Jesus! They will have the marriage they were destined to have!

Jesus I’m so thankful for what you’re doing! Wreck my parents with your outrageous love! We say yes to your yes! On earth as in Heaven.  

live like you're healed

For a year now I feel like God has been telling me to “live like you’re healed.” I have since had the revelation that I actually AM healed! I’m just not experiencing it in my earthly body yet, but I believe I will! In 2005 I heard God say He was going to “heal” my heart first, that my heart will be so free and alive - my body will have to obey and be free and alive! My body will have no choice but to respond to the freedom that reigns in my soul! Our spirit, soul, and body are all deeply connected, and Father is deeply passionate about every aspect of us! Jesus has already restored our entire being! I’m in the process of discovering how free and “healed” my heart/soul actually is at this moment! I’m on a very fun adventure of finding His victory that is already within me.

So how do I “live like I’m healed?” That’s a great question. I haven’t figured all of it out. Obviously, I can’t walk, drive, eat, romantically pursue a girl, breathe, and many other things that I will do when it actually physically manifests! So what does that mean for right now? I’m slowly learning, but I think it means to live my life as a son of God, and to be the powerful person that I am. That begins with my relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I am learning to have a friendship with them, and learning how to trust and be trusted. I’m learning to worship and love as though I’m already walking. I still talk with Jesus about not walking and the pain that comes from that, but I’m learning to just live life with the mindset that I’m completely restored and free. I hang out with God and enjoy the ecstasy of His presence, I lift Him up with my worship and praise, and I’m just intentionally real about my heart. I get to live in perfect rest and peace, even in the midst of the heartache and pain. I’m not living in denial - I’m very aware of my current condition. I just want to be more aware of the reality Jesus has for me. The hard part about living like I’m healed is having relationships with friends. It has been the greatest source of pain throughout my whole life. If I was walking I would go places to meet people, I would actually go hang out with my friends wherever they’re at, and I would be able to do a lot more for them. I’ll be so happy when that day comes, but it’s not here yet. I want to thank my friends Jordan Stroman and Alex Cook, who both directly and indirectly have helped me gain experience, understanding, and freedom. Danny Silk has been monumental in helping me see how powerful I am, and how to manage my relationships. I will manage my heart and relationships because I’m powerful and free! Right now I have a need for my friends to come to me and probably help me. I think it hurts me so bad because my number one love language is quality time, and I hate that my wheelchair prevents it so often. Sometimes I believe that walking will increase the amount of quality time in my life, and I think it definitely will. But if not my wheelchair, then something will probably come up to try and get in the way. Therefore, I need to rise above the circumstance of my wheelchair and manage my heart. I need to communicate my needs and show my heart to my friends. I also have a hard time believing I can actually meet the needs of the people that I love. I have a great desire to be a great friend and an outrageous lover. I think I do love well and I do have the ability to be a good friend. I’m free and powerful, and I think that’s the whole point of living like I’m healed. I need to manage my heart, relationships, time, finances, and love as the powerful person that I am right now. I’m already so free that my life won’t look much different from now to when I’m actually walking in the physical realm.

A big part of living like I’m healed and being a powerful person will involve this blog. Over and over again I’ve been told by family and friends that I need to write a book, and I believe God has even given me AN EMPTY WHEELCHAIR as the title. I believe the wheelchair needs to be empty to publish the book, but I can definitely start now on my blog. I’ll be honest, for a long time I have been afraid to do this. I don’t want to be the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I felt like if I started this project I would be feeding into that false identity. I’ve repented of my fear, and I’m going to start writing and chronicling my life. I’m healed and I don’t have to fear being the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I’ll be sharing my life here because I’m a son of God, and I am powerful and free. People will become more alive because of the love and passion that I have. I’m living like I’m healed, and you’ll see me walk. Get ready world!

Jesus we love you so much! Thank you for what you’ve done for us. We rest in the ecstasy of your presence, in the extreme affection and pleasure you have for all of us! We say yes to your yes. We will live in the victory you have accomplished. IT IS FINISHED! We lift you up with all of our praise and worship. Give us the revelation of how powerful and free we already are! You’re so good.

living with a disability part 2

In my last post I talked about that sometimes people define us by our disabilities and diseases. I think people see a blind girl, or a guy in the wheelchair, and they really don’t know how to connect with us on a heart level. “Sarah, you’re so brave. You deal with your blindness with such a great attitude. You truly inspire me.” A lot of people just leave it at that; they don’t go deeper. They really don't know how to pursue us. I completely understand that our disabilities makes us different, and different can be scary. But other than the things that have to be different, I think most of us want to be treated the same as everyone else. I think a lot of people are afraid to hurt our feelings or offend us. Don’t be. Be real and be you.

I want to encourage everyone who has a disability to step out and get uncomfortable. It’s actually up to us to teach people how to love us, and it’s up to us to make our needs known. A lot of people don’t know how to interact with us and create a personal connection. It’s probably true that a lot of people aren’t willing to create and steward a personal connection, period - regardless if a disability is involved or not. Having a disability is just another hindrance to a real friendship that we have to overcome. We all teach other people how to love and interact with us. If our disability is a big deal to us, then it will be to them. If we make some fun out of everything, so will they. Being in a wheelchair causes some major differences in friendships, from my very best friends to mere acquaintances. I like being real and addressing the very real heartache it creates. But I also love embracing the joy and the adventure in the midst of all the messiness. I do believe I will walk on earth, but I also don’t believe it will be some automatic switch for great friendships. It will certainly make certain things easier, but it will still be messy and difficult. If I don’t do what I can now to have deep connections and real friendships, how can I be trusted to do it when I walk? I would like to suggest that I couldn’t. Having a friendship when I do walk will still be messy, and there will still be heartache. Love suffers long. Friendships are an adventure full of hope, joy, heartache, and love.

I’ve really been learning so much about relationships and friendships. It’s not easy having a life giving friendship. But I truly want to be a great friend. I want to take the risk and love deeply. I want to be a powerful person and manage my heart, so that I can create freedom in my friendships. I want to do life with the people that I love.

living with a disability part 1

I don’t watch it consistently anymore, but I really like the television show SWITCHED AT BIRTH. It’s a family drama that takes on all kinds of issues. One of the main characters is deaf, and she has a lot of deaf friends. I can somewhat relate because I also live with a disability. It’s a good show because it doesn’t stray away from taking an honest look at what it’s like to live with a disability. But I have a big problem with a belief our culture has, and the show gives that belief it’s own platform to be showcased. I used to believe that being in a wheelchair was a good thing. People have great intentions when they say “I’m so happy I’m deaf.” “Being in a wheelchair is who I am and I’m glad I’m not walking.” “My son is autistic for a reason and I don’t want him ‘fixed’.” When we are born with a disability, it naturally becomes a big part of our identity. Those kinds of statements come from a great place in our heart. We try to make the best out of our situations, and we try to own and take pride in who we are. I love that we take hold of our circumstances, but we should not get our identity in the disability we have, and we should never believe we’re meant to be this way. Our culture is mostly past the shaming of kids with special needs, but it’s like we went to the other extreme of the spectrum. We build kids up in the identity of their disability. “Be proud of your blindness and be you.” I would like to suggest that is just as damaging as shame, just in a different way.

I remember writing an email to one of my best friends back in 2004. I was just learning that I wanted to go deeper with my friends than I had been. I was just discovering my personal relationship with Jesus. I wrote him an email about the great things that our friendship can be, mostly because of the disability I had. It’s definitely unique, and I was learning to celebrate the uniqueness of being best friends with someone while having a disability. But I soon began to believe that my friendships were “more” special because I was in a wheelchair. That’s nonsense. It takes vulnerability, freedom, selflessness, and love to have a good friendship. That’s with or without a wheelchair. Yes, my very close friends have to be pretty selfless, and we celebrate and cherish that fact. But that won’t change when I walk. We’re still going to be selfless, and we’re still going to celebrate it.

A lot of people call me wise. They say I’m wise beyond my years, and they mostly attribute that to my perspective on life from being in a wheelchair. It’s true that being in a wheelchair makes me view life in different ways, but it doesn’t make me wise. I have a lot of time to hang out with Jesus, and that’s what gives me wisdom. How do we get faith? Hang out with the one who is faithful. How do we get joy? Hang out with the one who is joyful. It doesn’t take a wheelchair or a disability to have wisdom, faith, and joy. I love everyone who has Down’s Syndrome. They so often teach us about joy and forgiveness. They are truly special people, just as we all are. But they aren’t joyful and forgiving because of Down’s Syndrome, they are because they have been invaded by Jesus. When the Kingdom of Heaven invades and manifests even more, they won’t have Down’s Syndrome - and they will be even MORE joyful, forgiving, and loving. God never gives anyone Down’s Syndrome. Bill Johnson says it best, “God can’t give you what He doesn’t have.” Disabilities are not in Heaven, and they’re not in His nature. I’m excited for the day when we consistently see it healed. Please don’t misunderstand me. I love all people, but I hate disease and disabilities. I have a great reliance on Father, I know that every breath comes from Him. My lungs are currently not as healthy as they should be. I understand the value of every breath. But guess what? Every breath will still be from Him when I have perfectly healthy lungs! Let’s stop the stupidity of elevating disease and disabilities.

We must create a shift in our culture. I’m a son of God. I’m powerful and free and full of life. I’m completely healed, but I’m having a wheelchair and ventilator experience. I will receive the things that God does inside of me through my disease. I will celebrate the uniqueness of my situation while having a great attitude. But I will NOT have my identity as a dude in a wheelchair. This disease was NEVER God’s plan or will. I’m loving, courageous, insightful, wise, and a pretty good listener. All that is because God is SO big and SO good He uses horrible diseases for His and our good. It is NOT because I’m in a wheelchair. I’m not special because I’m in a wheelchair, I’m special because I’m Zachary Daniel Beach. I’m powerful and I’m learning to live in the utter bliss and affection of Jesus. That won’t change when I walk.

living our our full inheritance part 4

I briefly touched on this in my last post, but Father is extremely passionate about us having relationships that are full of freedom and life. The highest calling on our relationships is to hang out and enjoy each other. I love that we can do ministry together and that we value expanding the Kingdom together. But I also believe that ministry can get in the way, and that we can release Heaven even more by just enjoying each other and Jesus. How do we have freedom and life? We manage ourselves. We dare to be intimate and make our needs known. I’m so thankful that my parents taught me at a young age that love is a choice. If we “fall” in love, we can “fall” out of love. I’m extremely passionate about connecting with people.

My love languages are quality time and touch. That means that when someone takes the time to have a conversation with me, or just sits with me, I feel extra loved. The possibility of having a road trip with some of my best friends makes me giddy. They would be stuck in a close space with me, whether we’re talking, singing, or being completely quiet - they would be with me. I also love hugs and kisses. I love shaking hands or when someone puts their hand on me just to show their love. There are five love languages: quality time, touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service. While it’s not good to be beholden to our love languages, we all have them and we should be aware of them. It’s pretty fun to be told how awesome I am, receive a gift, or have someone serve me. They just don’t pierce my soul like quality time or touch. One of the most painful things about being in a wheelchair is people not knowing how to just be with me. It can create a barrier. People don’t have a problem telling me how inspiring I am, but they usually don’t know how to sit down and have a real conversation with me. I remember being a young boy and seeing other boys go off and play, or seeing everyone in the student section at high school basketball and football games. I rarely felt bad about not being able to do a specific activity, it hurt because I wasn’t with them and not having my needs met. Being in a wheelchair and having quality time as your primary love language can be a painful combination. Being aware of how we feel love helps us to express our needs. I’m learning to express my needs to my family and friends.

Being a powerful person means that I’m vulnerable and express my needs, and that I show someone what’s going on inside of my heart. That gives the other person the freedom to choose to respond to my needs or not. It’s a great feeling to have a friend show us their heart and we get to choose how to respond. A lot of us are afraid to bare our souls, it’s why we see so much manipulation in relationships. It’s a lot less scary to manipulate than it is to talk about what’s going on inside of us. I’m learning that as I interact with my family and friends, and it’s been really freeing and fun. I used to try and manipulate my friends so that they would hang out with me. I was too afraid to tell them that I needed to hang out with them to have my needs met. I would manipulate or just stay silent. I would just cry and my needs went unmet. It wasn’t good. I’m thankful for grace. We’re all desperate and hungry for intimacy. We all need affection and connection.

It’s important to remember that all relationships flow out of our relationship with Jesus. Our relationship with Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father flows out of the relationship that the Trinity has. We never have lack. We’re always in perfect relationship. Our family and friends will let us down. They will choose not to meet our needs. I’ve done it on several occasions. When we have that disconnect, powerful people put up healthy boundaries. Our happiness is not decided by what other people do, it’s decided by how loved we are by Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. We bring our own happiness and love. I really thought I was in love in high school. I would have done anything for this girl. I took it a few steps too far though, I valued her and our relationship above God. We weren’t even dating, and yet I placed her above the great male friends I had. Everything was out of whack. I wanted to love her as the beautiful girl she was, but I was held captive because I was living as a powerless person. As a powerful person I can now put up boundaries and love deeply. My love isn’t managed by anyone else but me. We need the revelation of the love and pleasure God has for us. It’s from that love and pleasure that we become powerful people.

Jesus we’re so thankful that you’ve created us to be powerful. We love relationships. Give us a revelation of the love and pleasure you have for us. We love the freedom that you’ve given us. We will be vulnerable and honor our relationships.

living out our full inheritance part 3

The worst thing a believing Christian can call themselves is a “sinner saved by grace.” We have all sinned, and we must never lose sight of what Jesus did for us. But when we become born again, the old man is dead and we become a new creation. People who call themselves a sinner saved by grace are getting their identity as a sinner. When we get our identity as a sinner we’re setting ourselves up for failure. We’re not sinners. We are sons and daughters of God. We are powerful and free. We’re still capable of sinning, but we’ve really lost the appeal of it. We’re free to be powerful and manage ourselves. Sin is a big deal. Sin really isn’t that big of a deal. I love the tension of the Kingdom. God is never surprised, shocked, or angry over our sin. When I did something stupid or harmful to myself or others, my parents would get upset and help correct me. They never called me a bad boy. My stupidity never changed the way they saw me. They were only upset because I was doing something harmful to myself, others, or our connection. It’s the same with Father. He never sees us as anything other than His wonderful sons and daughters. God doesn’t hate sin because He made up some random rules, He hates sin because it causes a disruption in our connection. The disconnect is never on His side of our relationship, it’s on our side. Thankfully, Jesus has dealt with it on our side. Our spirit is in perfect union with Him.

It’s a common belief that Jesus paid the price for our sins. Unfortunately, many in the American church don’t believe that Jesus has healed us from all sickness in the very same act. We believe lies that are very damaging. We see a loved one that dies from cancer, all while praying for them to be healed. We then assume that it was God’s will for them to die. We become discouraged and don’t pray for anyone next time. We also believe that our body is somehow less important than our spirit and soul. Jesus never separated them. He is just as passionate about healing our body than forgiving our sins. Our body is just as spiritual and just as important as anything. As Christians we make agreements that says it’s okay for our body to be sick because we’re really learning perseverance and the joy of God. That’s great. We should have perseverance and joy in the midst of everything, no matter how bad our doctors report is. But those valuable lessons never make it okay to have a sick body. God is so big and so good that He will use anything bad for His and ours good. It’s never His desire or plan to use sickness to make us a better person. We must stop having the mindset that says it’s okay to be sick as long as we’re healthy emotionally and spiritually. I’m not walking yet, but I’m learning to have pleasure and freedom in the midst of everything. I can also tell you that Jesus wants to see me walking more than I want to walk. That’s crazy, because I REALLY want too. He’s so very good. He has already healed us, and I want to see His reward manifested.

Jesus also brought freedom to our souls. He didn’t die so we could one day be saved. We have total access to His victory this very day. In my mind, our soul involves our cognizant beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. I believe we can have complete freedom. We are powerful and have freedom to manage ourselves. I’ve really been learning that a lot. My relationships have involved manipulation because I felt and believed I was powerless. I remember I told one of my friends a lie one time just so my life could be more interesting. I believed the lie that I had to perform to make someone want to hang out with me. But the truth is, is that I am powerful. I’m just learning how to live that out. It’s been really fun and exciting. Father has given us complete freedom over our beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. How awesome is that? We’re going to feel pain and face scary things, but how do we manage that pain and fear? A powerless person will allow the pain and fear to rule over them. I’ve been there many times. I lived with my friend Mike for a year, he took care of a lot of my physical care. We moved in together about two months after I had the revelation that God could heal me so that I could walk. I was ready to change the world with my best friend. I wanted non stop praying, bible study, worship, and sharing our hearts. When we just relaxed I often felt restless and irritated. I became manipulative out of fear and feeling powerless. It soon created a distance in our friendship even though we were together most of everyday. While praying and all that is great and important, demanding it makes for a horrible friend. I believed lies and allowed fear to rule my soul. I believed God COULD heal me, but I wasn’t sure if He WANTED too. I was trying to perform because I didn’t know how loved I really am. Now I get to rest in the fact that Jesus WANTED to heal me so much, He already HAS. Sometimes it’s way more important that we just have fun and be silly with our friends than it is to pray or have a bible study. I believed God brought us together because I’m going to walk and we’re going to shape the course of history as we step into our destinies. That’s true. But I unfortunately made that the centerpiece and goal of our friendship. The highest calling of ANY friendship is to just hang out and love each other. I want to be friends with someone because I like being with them. Changing the world will come as a result of the love and the hanging out.

Jesus we’re so thankful that you have brought freedom to our spirit, body, and soul. We want to live it out.