a new kind of worry

“Worry is imagining your life without God and His goodness.” -Wendy Backlund.

 I love this quote for so many reasons. We should never imagine our life a part from God. Sometimes I partner with fear and I get anxious. A common fear I have is about getting married. I will not get married until I walk, for many reasons. I want to do life with God’s greatest creation. I want to pursue Jesus with her. I want to pursue her heart and love her. I want to help awaken her dreams and passions. I want to bring Heaven to earth with her. I want to have sex with her. I want to have kids and have a family. A family of worshipers who live for His tangible presence above everything else. We will help transform our city. I get discouraged because I imagine my life without God and His goodness. If I had my way, I would have been married at 18. I’m now 28. One by one, I’ve seen incredible girls get married. Some of them I have thought I could get to know and marry them. But there have been many other girls where I’ve had very strong feelings for them. It can be very painful and discouraging. Sometimes I wrongly think that every girl will already be taken. I get anxious because I think time is running out. I don’t want to be 56 when my kids are 18. Sometimes I really freak out. What if I never walk, and never get married? What if I do walk and I’m not supposed to get married? It’s all about trust and not partnering with fear. I must stop imagining my life without Jesus. Father has the best plan for me. It’s impossible to out imagine His goodness. Lets try worrying a different way. What if the power of God is so strong on my family, that we just leak His victory wherever we go? What if the girl of my dreams is waiting for me and I find her at just the right time? What if our marriage is so free and alive that other couples are knocking down our door because they want what we have? What if I get to travel the world and see countless people get out of their wheelchairs? What if I get to make my parents dinner, and it tastes so good they want me to do it every night? What if Holy Spirit rests in my house in such a powerful way that I won’t be able to move for days? It’s a lot more fun to imagine our lives with the goodness of God involved. Our “problems” become much more fun. But it’s not just about having fun. His thoughts and His reality are the truest thing about our current circumstances and our future. Lets repent for imagining our lives without God and His goodness. Repentance means changing the way I think. It means to think like God.

my cousins Ryan and Ronnie

My cousins Ryan and Ronnie had a big impact on my life at a very young age. Ryan is two years older than me, and Ronnie is two months older. Like most younger cousins I totally looked up to them. I wanted to dress like them, watch the movies they watched, play the games they played, and overall wanted to be just like them. I will forever be grateful for the time we spent together. We spent a lot of time playing video games together. We played lots of different ones, but my favorite were the ones that had anything to do with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For the most part me and Ryan would play together, and then Michael and Ron would play together. We would always watch each team play. It was so fun. We would walk to the video store and we would rent a PG-13 or R movie. I felt SO COOL. When they spent the night, or I spent the night there, me and Ryan usually ended up bunking together. One time a babysitter had just put me to bed, and me and Ryan could not fall asleep. I admitted to him I had a huge crush on her and wanted to get back up to be around her. This is pretty hilarious. Ryan got up and told her that I was hungry and that she needed to feed me. So about a half hour after the whole process of putting me to bed, she got me back up. Poor girl. I ate two slices of pizza as slowly as possible. Me and Ryan just hung out with her and ate pizza for an hour. It was amazing. The four of us would play Monopoly all night long. As we got a little older Goldeneye and Mario Kart were our games of choice. For a long time Dad wouldn't let me and Michael have our own Nintendo, so it was such a treat when Ryan and Ronnie brought theirs. I'm so thankful to both of our parents for making it a priority for us to hang out. We hung out and I loved it. I don't really have to much of a spiritual point. When I was with them my heart awakened. As a young kid I was sick a lot, but I pretty much forgot that when I was around them. I was a normal boy hanging out with my cousins. It is my opinion that extra hour of eating pizza with Ryan and our babysitter was more valuable than a years worth of medicine. I got to live outside of my circumstances and be a regular seven year old boy. Ryan and Ronnie, I love you. Thank you. Thank you to my parents and my Aunt Rita and Uncle Keith. You made me healthier. You loved me deeply.

from defeat to victory

Our greatest defeats will become our biggest victory. How great is Jesus? I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy and I have never walked. In 2008 I got so sick I had to be put on a ventilator for breathing assistance 24/7. Father's plan was for me to be born completely healthy and walking. It's how He sees me right now. However, I was born with SMA. So what's God's plan for me? I get to glorify Jesus by walking and bringing everyone out of their wheelchairs and off their ventilators. Sounds kind of crazy and literally impossible, right? If God's plans for you doesn't involve the impossible bowing to His name, then I don't think you're fully grasping His ways. Jesus healed everyone when He died and rose from the dead. It's our privilege as His kids and friends to say "YES" to His victory and see it manifested here on earth. That just really excites me. Growing up with SMA I was extremely scared of thunderstorms and tornadoes. I think a lot of kids are but I felt helpless even around my family. I would spend countless hours watching The Weather Channel. I felt completely helpless because I couldn't run to the basement or any other place to feel safe. It was pretty irrational but it felt very real and true to me. God has reversed one of my biggest fears into one of my biggest victories. Put me in front of a tornado and I have great faith and confidence I can command it to dissipate. I'm not saying I can control all weather, otherwise we would not be having this horrible winter. But I have complete faith I can command peace to any destructive weather in front of me. It's an unusual faith that only comes from having victory in the very place of one of my biggest fears. It's not a victory that I have attained, but it comes from complete trust and rest in the one who is Victorious. It is my privilege and responsibility to manifest His victory. I believe Holy Spirit intends the same thing for me when it comes to wheelchairs and ventilators. I pray for everyone who is sick, no matter what is ailing them. But I do believe I have a grace to see people walk for the first time. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. Are/were you depressed? God will give you an extreme grace to bring people out of depression and into great joy. Do/did you have cancer? Pray for everyone with the same kind of cancer and see breakthrough manifest. Are/were you totally broke? Pray for others who are broke and watch the cash flow. What has been the hardest part of your life? Ask Jesus what He thinks about your situation. He will use our greatest weakness and reverse it to our greatest victory. He is that good! He loves revealing His goodness to us, especially in the ways we most hurt. Jesus reveal the pleasure and passion you have for each of us. Show us the ways of your Kingdom. We love you!!!!!

my new friend Jordan

I want to let you know about my new friend Jordan Stroman. She's a beautiful and courageous daughter of the King. She is in a wheelchair full time and also uses breathing equipment that is probably similar to my ventilator. God put it in her heart to go to San Diego for the Storyline conference with Donald Miller. Her Mom and a few of her friends are taking her, and they are also filming a documentary about traveling with our kind of circumstances. It sucks. I'm most comfortable in my wheelchair and bed, and no where else. I think it's great to raise awareness with the airlines and the public at large. She has a Kickstarter here and I want you to watch her video. Let her love and courage sink in. Her beauty and passion are contagious. Lets bless her and pour into her with our prayers and money. They have already met their goal in one day, but His Kingdom is made of excess! I love that she's doing this. Words can't describe what it feels like when our friends lay down their lives for us and make our true reality manifested. When they say it doesn't matter what our circumstances are. I'm so thankful for every friend who has laid down their life for me. My brother Michael, Joel, Garrett, Brittnee, Carrie, Mike Schmidtke, Jake Pelican, Kevin Lyke, Dan Wilcox, Jeff Stall, Michael Prentice, Steve Nelson, Andrew Nelson, Bryan Hamilton, David & Sarah Reeves, Betsy Larder, Toth Family and Ministries, David D'Louhy, Allan Logan, Joseph Payne, Erica Gismegian, and countless others. You remind me of who I am. Our all night talks. Walking to the video store. Our crazy adventures to California and Florida. When you pursue my heart. Singing and praying over me for His victory to manifest in my body. Crazy man parties where I pretty much forgot I was in a wheelchair. The nights of rolling me over and cleaning out my lungs to help me breathe. Your hugs and kisses. Worshiping with me. Playing video games all night long. Listening to my heart and crying with me. Our walks to Busch's for delicious potato skins. Crazy dance parties. God sees me as His son, totally restored and healed. Before it has manifested here on earth, you have helped me live out my true reality. You said screw you to my circumstances and loved me deeply. Your love and service called out my destiny. It ignites my heart. I love you and thank you. Father I thank you for your extravagance! Thank you for my new friend Jordan. Bless her wildly! Thank you for her friends! Thank you for giving her courage and determination to follow her heart, no matter how difficult. Thank you for healing her, and I command it to manifest now! I command her body to align with heaven. Bless her movie. I release favor so that it will be seen by every CEO of every airline. Let her courage be heard. Pursue her and encounter her in California. Talk to her of her dreams, desires, and destiny. Wow! You're such a good Daddy! Here is Jordan's personal blog. Give her money here.

sitting in a chair

I want to talk about having a relationship with Jesus. A couple years ago I had a vision of me sitting in a regular chair right across from Jesus. He was also sitting down in the same kind of chair. It's very simple, but also profound. Me and Jesus were just hanging out loving on each other. It was awesome. So many Christians, including myself, aren't aware of how much He loves hanging out with us. Religion makes God out to be angry and distant. The proverbial Big Guy in the sky. We must repent and start getting personal. Be real. Share your heart. You can't offend Him. Lets not over spiritualize this. When I'm with my best friends I love being intimate. I love to share my dreams, fears, desires, insecurities, and destiny. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I love just being in their presence. I love goofing around and going crazy. I like to play games. I love dancing and showing off my moves. It's the same with Jesus. He is my best friend and the lover of my soul. I'm learning to just hang out with Him and allow Him to love on me. He delights in me. I get to ride that delight right back to Him. I tell Him things from the depths of my soul. He sits with me and cries with me. I'm constantly laughing with Him and taking delight in the delight He takes in me. His ecstatic joy and love for me knows no bounds. He's so good and so worthy. I love dancing with the King of Kings. I love hearing His voice. I love going crazy and being silly with Him. He has a real sense of humor. I'm constantly learning and growing in my friendships. I'm learning to trust deeper. It's all about trust. If there's an area in my life where I don't trust Him, that's bad. I immediately repent, which means I change the way I think to what He thinks. I want Him to be able to trust me with His thoughts, dreams, desires, mysteries, and secrets. "Let me feel the heat of your gaze. Let me see you Ancient of Days. Let me see the fire in your eyes. Let me feel your burning desire." -Laura Hackett

an adventure to live

I am fascinated by His unending mystery. Way back in high school I read WILD AT HEART by John Eldredge. It was the first book I read that really grabbed my heart. I never realized that God was fun. This book opened my eyes to the wildness of His Good News. The section that I want to talk about is having an adventure to live. Every man longs for adventure. I know adventure makes my heart come alive. If I'm not focused on the adventure that I'm living I definitely am not living to my potential. I used to get discouraged because I wasn't sure how much adventure I could live on a daily basis. My life is one big routine out of necessity. Me and spontaneity do not mix well. The wildness and craziness of His presence is my daily adventure. My Mom hated it when my brother and I would say "I'm bored." She thought we never had any reason to be bored. I learned at a young age to not say it, and I'm so thankful for that. Christians never have any reason to be bored. If Jesus isn't the most fascinating part of my life then there is a disconnect on my end. Sometimes when I hang out with Jesus I feel His unceasing joy. I literally can't stop laughing. Sometimes I am wrecked by His interest in my heart and all I can do is weep. The Creator of the universe wants to pursue my heart! I'm trying to remember to go after His heart, which is an adventure that will last for eternity. Did you know God wants to trust us with His secrets, desires, and thoughts? Wow! Sometimes I can feel His tangible presence in my room. Holy Spirit loves to play! For real. He loves having fun. Sometimes He shows up in ways I never understand. His presence is wild and unscripted, an adventure unto itself. If you're bored, ask Father for a sense of adventure. Lets not put Jesus in a box. When you're in the secret place, ask Him what He has for you. Let Him surprise you. Jesus I want to be fascinated by you everyday. Take me on the adventure of our relationship!

everything happens for a reason?

I haven't written anything in a long time. I got tired of this blog and tried starting a new one. I wasn't sure if I liked the name "an empty wheelchair" anymore. I want to be known as a lover of Jesus above anything else. But I just believe an empty wheelchair is such a powerful image. God gave it to me as a promise. I also believe I will write a book with the same name after it manifests. So no, my wheelchair is not empty yet. In fact, I have a new wheelchair waiting for me in my garage. I really hate switching wheelchairs. It's so much a part of who I am it's hard to adjust. I would much rather start walking right now. Jesus already healed me when He died and rose for me. He sufficiently dealt with all disease. I've commanded it to manifest and have had many others do the same. So why am I not walking? I don't know. It would be wrong for me to create a theology based on that question. Being in a wheelchair has taught me so much about life. Many people call me wise, and that wisdom often comes from being in a wheelchair. In high school I wasn't able to go out drinking and partying and hooking up with girls. Deep down I'm happy I still have my virginity and being in a wheelchair has been a great way to keep it. My whole life I've had to rely on people to help me. I've learned that if a person lays down their life to take care of me, our relationship is much richer and deeper because of it. We get to connect on a level a lot of people miss out on. Spinal Muscular Atrophy has shaped me without becoming me. I'm so thankful for every lesson of perseverance, humility, and joy. I learned at a very young age that Jesus is my savior. I learned if I didn't completely rely on Him I could die. I had very little doubt about God because every breath was from Him. I could go on all day about positives from having SMA. They are all true. I used to believe God put me in a wheelchair to learn these lessons and to help me love Him more. NO!!!! Spinal Muscular Atrophy is a disease from hell that has illegally invaded His son's body. God is *so* good He taught me all that despite having a disease. SMA could have ruined my family but it made us stronger in lots of ways. Wow! "Everything happens for a reason" is an extremely damaging lie that many Christians believe. Aunt Sally gets cancer, but Uncle Joe comes to know Jesus because of her love and humility while having cancer. Grandpa Jack lost his house, he leaned on God, and ultimately he learned what it means to be generous. I think you get the idea. You did not get cancer for any reason. I do not have SMA for a reason. God is so big and so good He will use all things for mine and His good. Good things come from disease everyday and people assume that's why they have it. Well that's why Aunt Sally got cancer. Uncle Joe is now saved. NO. Lets stop being impressed with disease and put our eyes on the one who Impresses. God doesn't need disease to teach us humility or our reliance on Him. God gets no glory from me having SMA. He gets glory from my worship. He will get His ultimate glory and reward when I walk. God is so good all the time!