come wake me from my sleep

“Spirit of the Living God

Come fall afresh on me

Come wake me from my sleep”

I love the line “come wake me from my sleep.” It’s such a powerful song, and a powerful line. Aren’t we all sleeping? It’s easy for me to keep my eyes on my circumstances. I’ve had blood in my secretions on and off for over two years, and sometimes it really scares me. The doctors can only guess on why it’s happening. It’s been something that has played with my mind. I’ve recently repented of my fear, and I’ve been commanding it to go. I’ve felt Jesus telling me to laugh at it. I’ve been “sleeping” by keeping my eyes on the problem. How vast and expansive is Father’s kingdom, glory, joy, freedom, pleasure, goodness, and love? There is no end, and there is no limit. How small is Spinal Muscular Atrophy, cancer, depression, deafness, blindness, fear, self pity, worry, poverty, and death? There is no match. I want to stop sleeping.

How do we stop sleeping? I obviously don’t have it all figured out. I don’t know how to walk this out. I think we start to wake up by having intimacy and trust in our relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. It’s all about intimacy and trust, and every part of our life should flow from it. His love is perfect. Love, freedom, and power flows from intimacy and trust with the Trinity. Our love for people grows and we become powerful enough to protect our connections. We receive the revelation that we’ve literally been born again, and we’ve been set free from everything. We are supernatural beings. Cancer must go. My wheelchair must be empty. I’ve had very close friends and family die from cancer and SMA. That’s not okay with me. I believe that’s part of waking up, but until then I’m going to wake up in every way that God is awakening. I will live in His ecstasy and joy. I will love outrageously. I will love with courage and passion. I will heal the sick. I will see depression bow to Jesus. I will have freedom in my relationships, and I will protect the connections I have. I will live with extreme generosity. I will live awake.

Jesus, wake us up. Help us to grow in trust and intimacy. You’re always good, and we love you! Thank you.    

community

I’m in Florida. I really love it a lot. God is so good and so faithful. I’m so thankful for what He’s doing. I love the weather here, and I live ten minutes from the beach and 1 hour and 35 minutes to Walt Disney World. In my opinion, that’s pretty awesome. I’ve found an incredible church that I’m so thankful and honored to call my home. It’s called Victory SRQ. I love it here.

Living in community is so important. I’m really thankful that community allows for a place to build intimacy, trust, freedom and love. I lived in community while leading Young Life from 2004-2008. It was awesome. I made (almost) every best friend that I have today in Young Life. I’ve talked on here before about the pain I have from relationships, and almost all of it comes from being in a wheelchair. It’s been a tough thing in my life, but I’ve grown so much. I am so thankful. I’m learning to really communicate my heart. I think one of the hardest parts about living in community and being in a wheelchair is not being with people as much as some might be used to. Friendships form from the all night talk, they form from the time that you ran out of gas together, they form from having a crazy dance party, and they form from doing life together. What do I do when life so often happens without me? I’ll be honest, I haven’t always done it well. My love languages are quality time and touch, so it’s a painful thing for me to see others bonding from quality time while I can’t be there. Please understand I’ve never been mad at anyone, and my best friends should have lives beyond me. I encourage it. However, I’ve often felt shame, discouragement, fear, and hopelessness in many relational experiences. So how do I live in community? I first have to know whose I am and how loved I am. Every relationship flows out of our relationship with Jesus, whose love is perfect. I am His son, and I am deeply loved. I then have to go to as many events as possible, and be as consistent as possible. But even as I consistently show up, there will be people who don’t really know how to connect with me. I have to pursue people, and I have to clearly communicate my heart. I have to invite people to just be with me. We live in community to be loved, known, grow, and learn. We’re starving for affection. We were born to live in intimacy, trust, and freedom. But we’re powerful people, and it’s up to us to clearly communicate our needs and desires. I could sit in shame and fear, or I can walk through my obstacles and love. If I want to be known, that’s up to me.

I believe I will walk on earth, and I believe that day is coming soon. The unique obstacles to relationships from being in a wheelchair will soon be gone, but I will not allow them to manage me anymore. I am walking through them, just as I will when I walk. We all have something standing between us and intimacy, which usually manifests in fear, shame, and guilt. Walking won’t be an easy button for relationships, I definitely understand that. I’ll walk through my obstacles now, and I’ll do it then. I want to love passionately and courageously. I want to walk through my friend’s heartache and joy. I want to be known. Do you?     

the sad part about moving

I’m very excited about moving to Florida. It’s going to be a big change; besides living in California for a month to attend BSSM, my entire life has been in Michigan. I’m looking ahead, and I can literally see the great things God has planned for my family. Someday I’ll share that. Some of my family will be in Florida with me, and most of my very best friends moved away a long time ago, but there are people I’m sad to be moving away from. My time living in Michigan might be done, but I’ll be back. I promise you that. I’ll mess you up.

Beach Family: My family. I love them so much. I’m so thankful for every one of them. I always have fun with them. I love their willingness to be themselves. I know it’s not the end of our family time, and I’m so thankful for that. I can’t wait to walk and we can go up north together and party together. I believe we’ll experience that. We can go to Craig and Polly’s to drink, play cards, and sing.

Alex Cook: I love him. Alex is a new friend, but also very very close to me. He’s shown me how to be a friend again. He’s loved me so well. For so long I wasn’t sure if I could still make new friends, but through Jesus, and Alex, I know I can. He’s an incredible man. I wish I wasn’t moving a thousand miles from him, but I’m excited to continue our friendship, despite the distance. I’m excited to do life with him and to experience all the up and down adventures it brings. He’s my friend. I love him.

David and Sarah Reeves: They’ve been so loyal to me. We’ve been friends for a long time now. I’m so thankful for them; they were always the first people I called when I went to the hospital. They’ve taken great care of me many times. I met them through Young Life and we’ve been great friends since the first time we met. We’ve been through a lot together. I love them.

Tony and Betsy Larder: After I got my vent, my g-tube, and my teeth removed all in the same month, I felt so defeated. I felt so hopeless. Betsy’s pursuit of my heart helped awaken me back to Jesus. I will forever be grateful for that. I love them.

Krzeczkowski Family: Growing up, Frankie was one of my best friends. I miss him, but his impact on my life is huge, even to this day. I love the entire family. I pray for Laura everyday; she’s so beautiful! I believe God has great things in store for this family.

University of Michigan Health System: What can I say? They’ve been there through all of my physically horrible days. Dr. Virginia Nelson had such a huge impact on my life. She taught my parents a lot, and she pushed hard to make sure I went to mainstream schools. All of my doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists have been outstanding. They worked in tandem with my family to give me health, and to have a great quality of life. I am forever grateful.

Christ our King Lutheran Church: I learned about Jesus and I learned to have faith in Him at this church. I grew up here. I’m so thankful for the many friendships I was blessed with. Jenna was one of my best friends, and she loved me well. Becky was one of the youth leaders, and she helped bring me into an encounter with the presence of Jesus. I’m so thankful for their relentless prayers.

Saline: I know I don’t live there anymore, but it’s my hometown; I honestly still love it. I’m so thankful for every moment. Everyone in all of Saline was so kind and loving to me. Most of my best friends from Saline don’t live in Michigan anymore, but Schmitty, Dan, and Kevin do. They were such great friends to me, even when I didn’t reciprocate; friends love each other no matter what. They spent hour upon hour with me everyday, and they constantly walked with me to my favorite Chinese food restaurant. A lot of my teachers and aids had such a big impact on me. I am so thankful. I love the entire town.

I love Michigan. I love Florida.

God has a plan

“God has a plan.” It’s one of the biggest cliches of the Christian culture; it’s one of the most misused phrases that we say. Yes, God ALWAYS has a plan. I’ve talked about some of my pain. I’m going to address the two big areas in my life that has brought the most excitement and the most pain: relationships and being in a wheelchair. What is God’s plan for me in both areas?

Doing relationships has been extra hard and extra fun in my life. It hurts so bad when I can’t romantically pursue a girl that I really like. It hurts that I can’t go to my best friends house when they’re having a really bad day. It hurts that I can’t take care of my parents in some of the same ways that they take care of me. I so often feel like I can’t be a good friend, and I get pretty frustrated sometimes. It is the biggest pain and fear I have. But don’t we all have pain and fear that tries to inhibit our destiny? I will not compromise Father’s plan. His plan for my life is for me to walk, and to have complete freedom in my relationships. Am I experiencing that? No. “Oh, well, God’s plan is for me to suffer through relationships, and He’s really teaching me about unconditional love.” Unfortunately, that’s the thought process of so many people. He will use any situation and circumstance to teach us, but that doesn’t mean it was His plan. I’ve so often felt powerless in my friendships, and my heart aches so often because of it. I feel pathetic a lot. What can I actually offer this person? But I will no longer bow to my circumstances; they will bow to the King of Heaven. I’m in the process of discovering freedom in the midst of all the messiness. It has been really exciting. I’m not waiting to walk. I truly desire to love well. I want to be an outrageous lover. What does that look like? I’m still learning, but I get to celebrate the uniqueness of my situation and how that relates to my relationships. I’m so thankful for the great friends that I have, and I’m thankful for their willingness to do life with me. Relationships are so awesome; I’m extremely passionate about them. I’ve made a lot of messes in a lot of my relationships, and I’ve been able to clean them up because of their grace. I want to have relationships that are full of love, freedom, and trust. I don’t think my friendships should look very different when I do walk. Steve Nelson took care of me a lot; all of my daily physical and medical needs. He was one of my very best friends. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and cried, we were vulnerable and intimate, and we pursued Jesus together. But we were also inconvenienced. We both had to push through and say yes. How would that look if I was walking? I would take care of my physical needs, but everything else would be the same. There would be some other form of inconvenience and we would still push through. Does this make sense? A life giving friendship between two physically healthy people is still going to cost them something. Trust, vulnerability, and freedom is worth the price though. So whether it’s my disability or the everyday life of a healthy person, it’s our choice if we want to step through the inconvenience. “Steve, I love you. I feel loved when we hang out and just share our hearts; I need quality time. I feel scared and hurt if we don’t connect on a regular basis. I love being goofy with you. I really love hugs and kisses. How can I love you well?” It’s going to cost us to be vulnerable and show our hearts. But it’s also going to cost us if we choose to meet the desires and needs of our friends. It’s Father’s plan for me to do relationships perfectly healthy, and I’ll be so excited when that happens. But until then, I’m going to celebrate my unique friendships and say yes now.    

“It must be God’s will and plan for me to have SMA because I was born with it.” I believe that’s a lie. Jesus has already healed me, but I’m not walking yet. There are times where it feels hopeless and so far away. I’ve been believing for a miracle for almost ten years, and I’ve unintentionally put God on trial. Please understand me: Jesus is more passionate about me walking than I am. I want to be very careful about how to say this. He’s even more interested and passionate in the connection we have. I used to think I’ll heal others when I walk, I’ll have healthy relationships when I walk, or I’ll really make an impact when I walk. Everything was after I walk, but no more. Jesus wants to transform our entire lives. He wants us to live in perfect union with Him, be completely healthy, have relationships full of freedom, be wealthy, and to have a prosperous soul. He values our connection and relationship over everything. I’ve for so long valued my miracle over our intimacy. It’s hard to be discouraged when I’m living with His relentless love and affection bombarding my entire being. It’s hard to be discouraged when I recognize the freedom He’s bringing to my relationships and soul; in fact, I get silly happy. He’s so marvelous and fun. I can see in my body that it’s improving in some small and some not so small ways. He is continuously restoring my body, just maybe not in the ways and speed that I always want. This is not a formula. There is going to be a person with SMA with a bad attitude, not the healthiest relationships, and they might not even know Jesus. But God will heal their body so they can walk before all the other stuff. His ultimate “plan” is to be in relationship with us and to completely transform our lives. One of the deepest cries of my heart is to walk. In the midst of that pursuit (we should pursue the miraculous) it’s easy to get our eyes and heart locked in on that one breakthrough. But I’m repenting because it’s so easy to miss what God is doing when our eyes and heart aren’t set on Him and His presence. “Jesus I release life and healing on my lungs. NEW LUNGS!” The next day my lungs might not be new, but oh look, a breakthrough has happened in my soul, or I experienced His love in a new way, or I’ve made a strong connection with a friend. For so long I didn’t realize those are one in the same as my new lungs. God is after every part of us. That’s radical and exciting! The new lungs have already been given to me by the victory of Jesus; I will continue to declare them to manifest, but I will no longer be offended when I get a large check or find love in new ways instead of new lungs. I will celebrate His ways and be focused on what He’s doing; not on what I think should happen right now. Father gave me the desires of my heart. I desire to be in relationship with God, to love well, get married, walk through life with my family and best friends, change the world, be wealthy, and to go on great adventures. He values all of that even more than I do.

I want to make something very clear. We must not compromise any part of Father’s plan. If our body isn’t being healed, but we reconcile with our long lost family member instead, then we celebrate that. But we never make the agreement that God doesn’t want to heal us or that it’s not His will. If we look to and value what God is doing, it will often bring breakthrough to the thing we’ve been crying out for. We never make the agreement that we have to suffer through poverty to learn thankfulness. That’s a lie. We might face some poverty, and in the midst of that we will be thankful and declare His faithfulness and provision. Any body part and any amount of money is already ours. Does it always manifest right when we want it? No, not yet. But that doesn’t change the fact that He is JEHOVAH-RAPHA and the richest Daddy in the universe! I’m learning to live in trust, and it’s so fulfilling and fun! My current circumstances do not change who He is. I am learning to live as though I’m already transformed. I’m in the process and it’s really exciting. But I must live as though there is no lack. I want to live, worship, risk, and love as though I’m already walking. It’s sometimes very difficult, but I’m learning. My relationship with Holy Spirit is a very fun adventure; it’s full of bliss, love, pleasure, affection, joy, vulnerability, tears, laughter, trust, intimacy, and freedom. God wants to transform our lives more than we want them to be transformed, but His presence reigns over everything else. Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit: WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT TO KNOW YOU!

to become filled with sound

“In our silence

Heaven whispered out

In our darkness

Glory pierced the night

We were broken

But now we're lifted up

King of Heaven

God is here with us

Hallelujah

Angels crying aloud

Singing holy

All the praise resound

King of Heaven

On the Earth be found

King of Heaven

On the Earth be found”

- an excerpt from “King of Heaven” by Hillsong United

I love this song. I have really been getting messed up from it lately. Line after line is just filled with whacked up revelation. The phrase “all the praise resound” has truly been piercing my soul, and in particular, the word “resound.” According to Merriam-Webster, resound means “to become filled with sound.” When I worship, I want my praise to make me be filled with sound. Sound can literally carry the substance of Heaven. It has the ability to change the atmosphere around us. If we fill a cup with water, it’s eventually going to overflow. I want to be overflowing with sound. I’m not talking about just singing songs, even though that can be fun and important. The “sound” of Heaven happens when we rest and cultivate our adoration of the King of Heaven. Everyday I hang out and worship Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I definitely sing songs very loudly, but the “sound” within me is the very presence of the King of Heaven. Another definition of resound is “to become renowned.” HA! When I worship I want myself and others to be filled with the sound of Heaven. I want the “sound” of my worship to make Jesus renowned. Renowned means “widely acclaimed and highly honored.” Get this: I get to enjoy the presence of God and turn His affection back to Him, which becomes my worship. My praise resounds, and me and the atmosphere “become filled with sound,” which then makes Jesus “widely acclaimed and highly honored.” I think that’s awesome. It’s fun to listen to Holy Spirit and have fun with words. Watch the video and “become filled with sound.” Get messed up!

just a little story

I want to start this with a quick and simple story. It’s a story that has had a dramatic impact on my entire life. I think it’s important to pay attention to the seemingly quiet and little moments in our life. Sometimes these little moments will reverberate throughout our lives and the lives around us.

I was eleven months old when I was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 1. My parents had been noticing that I wasn’t standing or doing other things that healthy babies my age were doing. The pediatrician sent us to a specialist, and they did a muscle biopsy and confirmed their suspicions. Dr. Silverstein told my parents that I had Werdnig Hoffman Disease (another name for SMA). She told my parents I wouldn’t live to be two years old. My Mom was holding me closely, and she told me she zoned everything out and prayed to God. She asked Him not to take me from her, and that she would raise me in His church and she would raise me to know Him. My parents were understandably heartbroken, but they never stopped loving me and they never stopped fighting for me. I believe it started with the prayer that my Mom prayed.

I really do owe everything to my parents. My Mom kept her word, and she and my Dad raised me to know and love Jesus. They have literally given up everything so that I can live a healthy and happy life. All of my life flows from Jesus, and then it all flows from my parents. All of my relationships, independence, and health are possible because of them. I’m a lover of Jesus. I love to love. I have great friends. They laid the foundation for my life, and what a foundation it was! They continually sacrifice everything for me. I am so blessed. My parents and brother Michael, along with the rest of my extended family, have truly given me everything. It is a great desire of my heart to see my parents have the marriage that they were destined to have. Please don’t misunderstand me, they are very blessed. I know they would do everything over again for me if they had to. They’ve had a better marriage than some people with perfectly healthy children. But I want nothing less than their full inheritance and destiny. They are a son and daughter of the King! I want them to not have to wake up and roll me over five times a night. I want them to live on their own. I want them to be able to go on any vacation without having to worry about who will take care of me. I want them to be financially blessed in an extreme way. I want them to not have to care for my lungs everyday. I want them to have two perfectly healthy sons. I want them to know the intoxicating and ecstatic love of Jesus in ways they’ve never dreamed of before! I want them to have a marriage. They’re truly in love, and I want them to know what that’s like without my SMA. I’m so thankful they’ve risen above our circumstances and have fought for each other. I will join this adventure with them and honor them for all of my days. I will love them forever. I believe our circumstances will bow to Jesus! They will have the marriage they were destined to have!

Jesus I’m so thankful for what you’re doing! Wreck my parents with your outrageous love! We say yes to your yes! On earth as in Heaven.  

live like you're healed

For a year now I feel like God has been telling me to “live like you’re healed.” I have since had the revelation that I actually AM healed! I’m just not experiencing it in my earthly body yet, but I believe I will! In 2005 I heard God say He was going to “heal” my heart first, that my heart will be so free and alive - my body will have to obey and be free and alive! My body will have no choice but to respond to the freedom that reigns in my soul! Our spirit, soul, and body are all deeply connected, and Father is deeply passionate about every aspect of us! Jesus has already restored our entire being! I’m in the process of discovering how free and “healed” my heart/soul actually is at this moment! I’m on a very fun adventure of finding His victory that is already within me.

So how do I “live like I’m healed?” That’s a great question. I haven’t figured all of it out. Obviously, I can’t walk, drive, eat, romantically pursue a girl, breathe, and many other things that I will do when it actually physically manifests! So what does that mean for right now? I’m slowly learning, but I think it means to live my life as a son of God, and to be the powerful person that I am. That begins with my relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I am learning to have a friendship with them, and learning how to trust and be trusted. I’m learning to worship and love as though I’m already walking. I still talk with Jesus about not walking and the pain that comes from that, but I’m learning to just live life with the mindset that I’m completely restored and free. I hang out with God and enjoy the ecstasy of His presence, I lift Him up with my worship and praise, and I’m just intentionally real about my heart. I get to live in perfect rest and peace, even in the midst of the heartache and pain. I’m not living in denial - I’m very aware of my current condition. I just want to be more aware of the reality Jesus has for me. The hard part about living like I’m healed is having relationships with friends. It has been the greatest source of pain throughout my whole life. If I was walking I would go places to meet people, I would actually go hang out with my friends wherever they’re at, and I would be able to do a lot more for them. I’ll be so happy when that day comes, but it’s not here yet. I want to thank my friends Jordan Stroman and Alex Cook, who both directly and indirectly have helped me gain experience, understanding, and freedom. Danny Silk has been monumental in helping me see how powerful I am, and how to manage my relationships. I will manage my heart and relationships because I’m powerful and free! Right now I have a need for my friends to come to me and probably help me. I think it hurts me so bad because my number one love language is quality time, and I hate that my wheelchair prevents it so often. Sometimes I believe that walking will increase the amount of quality time in my life, and I think it definitely will. But if not my wheelchair, then something will probably come up to try and get in the way. Therefore, I need to rise above the circumstance of my wheelchair and manage my heart. I need to communicate my needs and show my heart to my friends. I also have a hard time believing I can actually meet the needs of the people that I love. I have a great desire to be a great friend and an outrageous lover. I think I do love well and I do have the ability to be a good friend. I’m free and powerful, and I think that’s the whole point of living like I’m healed. I need to manage my heart, relationships, time, finances, and love as the powerful person that I am right now. I’m already so free that my life won’t look much different from now to when I’m actually walking in the physical realm.

A big part of living like I’m healed and being a powerful person will involve this blog. Over and over again I’ve been told by family and friends that I need to write a book, and I believe God has even given me AN EMPTY WHEELCHAIR as the title. I believe the wheelchair needs to be empty to publish the book, but I can definitely start now on my blog. I’ll be honest, for a long time I have been afraid to do this. I don’t want to be the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I felt like if I started this project I would be feeding into that false identity. I’ve repented of my fear, and I’m going to start writing and chronicling my life. I’m healed and I don’t have to fear being the inspiring boy in the wheelchair who writes inspiring blog posts and then dies. I’ll be sharing my life here because I’m a son of God, and I am powerful and free. People will become more alive because of the love and passion that I have. I’m living like I’m healed, and you’ll see me walk. Get ready world!

Jesus we love you so much! Thank you for what you’ve done for us. We rest in the ecstasy of your presence, in the extreme affection and pleasure you have for all of us! We say yes to your yes. We will live in the victory you have accomplished. IT IS FINISHED! We lift you up with all of our praise and worship. Give us the revelation of how powerful and free we already are! You’re so good.